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guitartechk

Count your blessings?

 

A family matriarch has the family power and few things trump it.  They know it and some abuse it.  Its Filipino family dynamics. 

 

So Vivian's parents are out of the picture?  I realize she lives with the former in laws but they got to play into this too if still around.  No mention of them.

 

Thanks cvgtpc1, Yes both of Vivian's parents have passed, years ago. Like I said previously, it's not a really big deal for me. I do want for her kids, (who's father is/was part of the matriarch's family), to have a nice place to live, so it's not my intention to stir up any shit, no?

 

Thanks, Ken

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she owns the house    and lives there?   but you're not welcome to visit there   yet you're flying in to marry her?   just checking i got the story right.

I am now sort of living in a family compound, Right now I have the only house on the land that my wife's father has told us repeatedly that he is going to put it in the name of my wife, and her two si

Sorry but you are way out of touch with reality here. The house, unless things were set up legally, is not hers. It legally belongs to her and the children equally, assuming that the husband died inte

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cvgtpc1

Thanks cvgtpc1, Yes both of Vivian's parents have passed, years ago. Like I said previously, it's not a really big deal for me. I do want for her kids, (who's father is/was part of the matriarch's family), to have a nice place to live, so it's not my intention to stir up any shit, no?

 

Thanks, Ken

 

From my perspective I might not meet them till we're married.  Some are skeptical of foreigners and their intentions, especially with kids involved; being married is the one sure way to prove your intentions are true - possibly lol

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guitartechk

It works out for you a little.  When they come to you for a loan just say, "I would but out of respect for your deceased relative I cannot."

 

You said the kids are over 16 so after the marriage and the kids are all 18 I'd sell the house and move far away.  The kids can come along or stay, their choice.

 

Haha, man I like the way you think! As for the kids, well they may be better off staying put... Vivian and I will be traveling anyway.

Thanks, Ken

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guitartechk

From my perspective I might not meet them till we're married.  Some are skeptical of foreigners and their intentions, especially with kids involved; being married is the one sure way to prove your intentions are true - possibly lol

 

I do not intend to meet the family of Vivian's ex at all, maybe after we marry? Not high on my priority list, unless of course Vivian chooses to bump it up!

 

Thanks, Ken

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guitartechk

Ken

 

Almost identical situation happened to me. My lady had been a widow for two and a half years when we met, she lived at her in laws compound and had done so for 18 years, her mother in law had given 200 sq. Mtrs. Of land to each of her 6 kids, ( the eldest son was my ladies husband and by all counts a real good guy. Whilst still alive but sick, he had begged his wife to marry a foreigner if he was to pass on , saying as a widow she would get treated better.

One year after he passed she discussed the position with her ma in law who fully agreed with her looking for a foreigner.

 

Cutting a long story short, we met..,lived together for 6 months or so in a rented house , i rebuilt the little house she owned, agreed this would be for her kids.....built another place down the coast, very modest but cozy....we live between the two... get on great with the ma in law who lives next door, she lives in our place when we not here and looks after the 2 kids age 19 an 13

 

I can understand how some in laws feel....but my lady was a good woman for her husband...she was a young widow and had a right to seek happiness and security,

 

Have not got on with the bro in law who i think feels uncomfortable in my presence , the two sis in laws likewise, I get on great with all our neighbours and with my ladies extended family who live some distance awy...

 

You will be fine mate, being well mannered and giving respect are two different items in my book, respect is a mutual thing and needs to be earned both ways

 

I don't really give a flying f,,,kn what outsiders think, only you know how you feel and sounds like most of the boxes have been ticked.....all the best to you both..

 

Hey Ozbrum, I was thinking about this and realized that I had left out some important info. I remember Vivian relating to me that her husband had been sick for many months. He confessed to her that he had been cheating on her with another woman from his work. A death bed confession, if you will. The woman's husband had approached Vivian about pressing charges against his wife in connection to this affair. Vivian refused to cooperate in an effort to spare the family any embarrassment, after all her husband was dying, no? Vivian did not share this information with her husband's family right away, but instead chose to keep it to herself.

Eventually the cat was let out of the bag by Vivian's daughter. I understand how much the respect of the family meant to Vivian and I will not do anything to diminish that respect.

Thought you all should know

Thanks, Ken

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cvgtpc1

Hey Ozbrum, I was thinking about this and realized that I had left out some important info. I remember Vivian relating to me that her husband had been sick for many months. He confessed to her that he had been cheating on her with another woman from his work. A death bed confession, if you will. The woman's husband had approached Vivian about pressing charges against his wife in connection to this affair. Vivian refused to cooperate in an effort to spare the family any embarrassment, after all her husband was dying, no? Vivian did not share this information with her husband's family right away, but instead chose to keep it to herself.

Eventually the cat was let out of the bag by Vivian's daughter. I understand how much the respect of the family meant to Vivian and I will not do anything to diminish that respect.

Thought you all should know

Thanks, Ken

 

Sounds like a good reason to live an island or two away from that drama.

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guitartechk

Sounds like a good reason to live an island or two away from that drama.

 

Hey buddy, I agree... haha but I think Minglanilla is our home for now, no?

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smokey

Hi all, I'm curious about this concept of the Filipino family compound. My fiancé is a widow and lives with her children in the compound of her late husband. The family matriarch has requested that I do not visit the compound out of respect for the family. Is this normal? Understandable in Filipino culture?

 

Thanks, Ken

its any culture i can see them thinking why should they support her BF move her out and it will be all good 

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smokey

Yup BossHog, That's my story and I'm sticking to it...

the way it usually works is dad has money son gets married ,,, dad builds them a house in FAMILY compound ... So check the deed unless son paid for property i dont think its all that easy 

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shadow

the way it usually works is dad has money son gets married ,,, dad builds them a house in FAMILY compound ... So check the deed unless son paid for property i dont think its all that easy 

OR, working family member (Often OFW) builds compound and Ma, Pa, siblings, cousins, and their cousins move in!

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smokey

my wife still owns her house in a family compound but would not and can not ever sell because family compounds are 99,99% NOT subdivided for many reasons ... 

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mactanfamily

 

 

Sorry but you are way out of touch with reality here.

 

Look Roger, there is no need for that. I wished the guy well, and hope it all works out. I am only expressing my concern for a sticky situation to someone who obviously doesn't have years of experience like many of us have. I didn't tell him to in like super Joe. He asked for thoughts, and I stated my concerns like many others. Who knows who legally owns the house, who cares. That shit plays out in almost every Filipino family in the country every day. The point is he needs to be careful whatever his choice is. 

 

If you want to start an argument take it somewhere else.

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cebulover2000

Look Roger, there is no need for that. I wished the guy well, and hope it all works out. I am only expressing my concern for a sticky situation to someone who obviously doesn't have years of experience like many of us have. I didn't tell him to in like super Joe. He asked for thoughts, and I stated my concerns like many others. Who knows who legally owns the house, who cares. That shit plays out in almost every Filipino family in the country every day. The point is he needs to be careful whatever his choice is. 

 

If you want to start an argument take it somewhere else.

 

I have to agree with Roger here. The fact that he is engaged to the woman but hasn't yet met the patriach is concerning - is it a woman or a  man?

nience

And then the OP mentions something like it's fine with him that her kids live with her ex's family _(for convenience or what?) BUT then also states a bit later that he will take her kids on as his own?????

 

 

Too many red lights here, maybe he liekes her but there is really no need to accept a situation like that, did you go afar to put yourself into a situation (potentially dangerous) like that?

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Soarking

I don't think any foreigner can ever truly understand the dynamics of Filipino culture. And the more you think you have it figured out,,,the more trouble you can expect. You may want to take the warnings serious and slow down the marriage some. Long distance relationships and living near EX-in laws are two different things.

 

Wish you the best on your upcoming marriage.

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cvgtpc1

OR, working family member (Often OFW) builds compound and Ma, Pa, siblings, cousins, and their cousins move in!

 

And I've seen them then all quit whatever job they have thinking the working family member would now support them.  Defies all logic.

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