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I dont understand my american boyfriend!


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First of all I really need some insights, opinion and advice on this! I have an american boyfriend, we've been on relationship since March 2014, its a long distance relationship, hes 35yrs old and im 33yrs old, im single mom, hes been married 2 times and still under divorce on his 2nd marriage, hes been here in the philippines 4times for around a week to 10days on each his visit. Hes been so nice and loving at the start of the relationship making me faĺl inlove with him so much, we planned things together, at first our plan was hes moving here in the philippines with me because i prefer here rather than in the US, but it doesnt prosper because hes having a hard time finding a job here, and since he doesnt have that much savings we talked about moving to the US instead, since i love him i agreed with him, so we started to do some changes that will help me and my son on moving in the US, he file divorce to divorce his 2nd wife since they are already separated, he change job so he will have better chance on finding job here eventually if we decided to move back here, aside from that his old job doesnt accept divorcing easily so he really have to change job anyway, in return, i closed my small business and go back to study to have license on my medical field course and to get a US license for practicing it in US, so when i get to the US, i can have a job and help him out with expenses. going back to study is not that easy because i moved to manila from the province to take the review class, all expenses i paid except my boyfriend helps a little on room rent, and its not cheap living in manila especially im paying for it with my last savings that i have. My boyfriend promise me a lot of things and i believed him because i love him, he calls me his fiancee, he telks me that what we do right now is just a preparation to be together, he said that what he both have is ours in the future, in short the plan is good, all we need to wait is his divorce to finish and me to get licensed, then he will file fiancee visa and take me and my son.

 

Now problem started when he started in his new job and i move to manila to study, we became both busy, and i have an internet connection that sucks so we are not being able to talk in skype like before because we used to talk on skype like 3 times a day everyday back when i was in the province, so this transition on both of us happens last november 2014, we both have hard time on the transition. Sometime he complains i dont send him messages often and im not being sweet enough for him, so we talked about it and compromise to try to give time to each other, on my side i think were ok, eventually he talked to me again he said im not creative enough to show my love, and he wants like literally send him loving messages in different ways often, i told him that maybe im not that creative thats why he dont appreciate the way that i am showing him my love, in reality i do send him messages everyday when i wake up, when im on lunch or snack in between class and in the evening before i sleep, he just see it differently because i think hes looking for something else from me. So we talk again, im having a hard time already because i dont know how he want me to do, he said hes weak on being in a long distance relationship so he needs my word of affirmation to make him feel loved, but i am trying so hard already to do it he just dont see it, its affecting my studies already worrying on things about him because since he changes job and hes job is related on party organizing, hes been going out and partying with friends very often almost 3 or 4 times a week, while constantly complaining that i dont show him enough love. So it concerns me, and when i think about it, hes asking me to make him feel loved whereas hes being colder and colder everyday, and when i talked to him about that, he said that he will be honest, he says that he see that i give effort on sending him sweet messages even im busy but he said it sounds unreal, because he said that i told him before that im not creative enough and its not me to be like that.

 

So he suddenly said that we cannot do anything if we are not compatible with each other. It hurts me so much because in my heart i love him so much, and i am being a loving partner to him even were apart, he just dont see it anymore like before. My negative thinking says that hes just not inlove to me enough thats why when he met new people on his new job and experience partying constantly, and got busy at work at the same time, he slowly forgeting about me, unlike before november when he dont party and we talk a lot, he change so much already, i asked him if we are going to separate and broke up,,he said he cant decide yet, its killing me being on the dark because theres a lot at stake on me, not just my feelings or getting over him, im just an average filipina with a little savings and a son to raise, i need to deal on explaining to my son why my boyfriend who promise my son to be his dad is suddenly gone, and explain to my parents who my boyfrien told that hes taking me and my son to the US and my parents gave him their blessings, and i need to deal also that i wasted my last savings on study that i cannot use here in the philippines, an will go to waste because im not going to the US to be with him anymore.

 

What should i do, wait for his decision? Still talk to him? I really in the dark because i dont know what to do anymorr, if were breaking up, ill need to stop studying and save the money thats left of my svings to start a business again, and start moving on, but he keeps avoiding answering my questions, he just said hes sorry he cant decide yet. I dont mind not going to US, ive been on bad relationship before, im annuled and very unlucky with filipino guys on previous relationships and i just thought trying a relationship with a foreigner can work, but this is i got. Some insight will be nice, thank you

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Jheng,   I am Filipina, married to a Caucasian for 25 years, been together 27 years.  I read and re-read your post.  You need to move forward and forget about this guy.  Get on with your life with y

I think you deserve better and from what you describe it's time to move on because there are plenty of genuine men who won't mess you around. Forget this guy and  keep looking, one day you will find t

Jheng 1803, you seem like a nice and trusting person. From the way you've described him, your bf sounds like the exact opposite. Everyone puts on a good show when they first meet, but a little time ul

Enuff

I'm American.................. 9 months ago you met? and in that short amount of time all of this has transpired, sounds like he is lying or bullshitting you.

 

although it takes 2 to tango, not sure why you would agree to all of this stuff to someone you don't know or worse yet why you would tell your child this stuff.

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I'm American.................. 9 months ago you met? and in that short amount of time all of this has transpired, sounds like he is lying or bullshitting you.

 

although it takes 2 to tango, not sure why you would agree to all of this stuff to someone you don't know or worse yet why you would tell your child this stuff.

yes i know its 2 to tango, i cannot blame myself i got carried away and fall in love, on our first month he come visit already and he visits every 6 weeks despite his busy schedule doing work and studies, he was so nice and showed a lot of love, maybe im stupid to fall for that trick, but it happens anyway, im not after to going to US, i actually prefer for him to move here, he tried but with no luck on job hunting, its because his studies is only related on working at foundations, non profit and social services, which he have hard time finding a job related to that here. about my child i introduce him to my family, he was so nice to my son, they bond together and he notice hes looking for father figure, i cannot complain about how he is before november last year, hes just so perfect, now there this problem

 

1. Never get in relationship with someone before divorce papers have been signed... learned that one the hard way.

 

2. Education is never wasted. Maybe your relationship will work, maybe it won't; but if you want to marry and move to USA, your education will help.

 

3. Watch actions, not words. 

i didnt know at first that hes not yet divorced, then he told me, but i already fall for him, so i forgave and try to understand him, since he said that it will be over in 6 months, he do his part on actions in the past, the real problem is just now, for me, the thing he complain is a very shallow reason for the relationship to end like this, since im trying to do my part and do what he likes me to do, i just dont know if hes just making this all up to get rid of me or what, or if the thing hes complaining is like a BIG thing on american guys, i just dont have idea, if i need to show him this forum then ill do it, just to get answers. yes my education wont be wasted, its just that the reason i didnt pursue it here is because the pay is low and i earn more on doing business, i just pursued it because we planned on going to US and ofcourse i dont want to be just a housewife, and he also agreed on that, if not for those plan i wont go back to study

 

First post....You write very well. Were you from again? 

what do you mean? im from philippines

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1. Never get in relationship with someone before divorce papers have been signed... learned that one the hard way.

 

2. Education is never wasted. Maybe your relationship will work, maybe it won't; but if you want to marry and move to USA, your education will help.

 

3. Watch actions, not words.

 

I was engaged before I applied for my divorce. Engagement was 11 months, now been married 7 years. Your advice would be good if it were more specific about your mistake. Points 2 and 3 were excellent
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Oh and to the OP, tell him to piss up an exhaust pipe and stand there if he doesn't want to resolve his issues. Ya don't need a bloke like that

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RogerDuMond

I have warned two members and banned them from this topic. Please show that we are grown ups with the answers you give.

 

Jheng I sent you a PM. Click the envelope at the top of the page that has a number 1 on it.

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I dont think it has much to do with nationality. I know others have been successful but trying to conduct and continue a relationship on the internet is not so easy as a substitute for the real thing. I wish you well.

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RogerDuMond

 

 

What should i do, wait for his decision? Still talk to him? I really in the dark because i dont know what to do anymorr, if were breaking up, ill need to stop studying and save the money thats left of my svings to start a business again, and start moving on, but he keeps avoiding answering my questions, he just said hes sorry he cant decide yet. I dont mind not going to US, ive been on bad relationship before, im annuled and very unlucky with filipino guys on previous relationships and i just thought trying a relationship with a foreigner can work, but this is i got. Some insight will be nice, thank you

 

Jheng I think it is time for you to give him an ultimatum. I would tell him that you need an answer to be able to plan your future movements. Financially you can't afford to wait for him to decide because he is going to string you along just in case he can't find something else and you will end up broke. So no don't wait for a decision, demand it. It isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to your child. Be prepared though because he will probably tell you it is over and blame you for putting to much pressure on him, but honestly it doesn't sound like it was ever real on his part anyway.

 

Next time guard your emotions and take it slower.

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Jheng I think it is time for you to give him an ultimatum. I would tell him that you need an answer to be able to plan your future movements. Financially you can't afford to wait for him to decide because he is going to string you along just in case he can't find something else and you will end up broke. So no don't wait for a decision, demand it. It isn't fair to you and it isn't fair to your child. Be prepared though because he will probably tell you it is over and blame you for putting to much pressure on him, but honestly it doesn't sound like it was ever real on his part anyway.

 

Next time guard your emotions and take it slower.

 

 

Agree with your last sentence, Roger. But why give someone who's made it more than clear that this gal is no longer a priority in his life, an ultimatum? Sounds to me like if all of his other options don't pan out, then maybe he will "have" her. There's a recipe for guaranteed misery. The only good thing about this self centered ******* is that he waved the red flag early so she doesn't need to be stuck in a life of misery forever.

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lamoe

, hes been here in the philippines 4times for around a week to 10days on each his visit.

 

on our first month he come visit already and he visits every 6 weeks despite his busy schedule doing work and studies, hts because his studies is only related on working at foundations, non profit and social services, 

 

These 4 statements caught my attention and raised questions.

 

1. 4 visits for 10 days = 8 weeks vacation in 6 / 8 months? - with airfare, hotel, other costs for 10 days = $3,000 / $4,000 = $12, to $16 K? am I right?

 

2. He is / was a community organizer? Unless they're very religious, divorce is not a work place concern. If he's not a lawyer he is not making the money it takes to be able to afford that many trips unless he's using his savings.

 

3. Studies at 35?  

 

4. Now a party organizer?

 

For the forum - early mid-life crisis on his part?

 

For jheng -  you came here because you have serious doubts about him and the majority of the responses have confirmed those doubts.

 

It appears that for whatever reason he is tired of the relationship and is now into manipulating you into ending the relationship because he will feel better if you do it.. On this I speak from I speak from personal experience.

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1. Never get in relationship with someone before divorce papers have been signed... learned that one the hard way.

 

I agree, but would carry it further. Never take ANY man seriously, until he puts a ring on your finger. 


He isn't all that serious about getting her to the states, because he spends too much time focusing on going out with his buddies. If she were his primary focus, he wouldn't be out "partying" 3 or 4 nights per week, ESPECIALLY if he were tight on cash.  

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