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Surprise, Surprise. I'm a Daddy? Nope!


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stgCarlo

Update

Samples are in lab in USA since friday and today we will get a date when the result will come

 

Situation

Some days ago i told her that i will organize money so they are able to come here...

Up till yesterday we talked about many things.. how to do all or how do we wish that he will grow up.. she has many wishes living in a house... thats normal.. and having a table and chairs to eat im able to understand.

 

Since yesterday afternoon more and more things come to her mind what is needed.. and i try to tell her there is a budget of 120000p we will have.. both of us can move to a small house in lapu lapu.. one house for them.. one for me to come closer next months

 

Yesterday afternoon she started that the families need at least to get 5000p each... and that it would be nice to have a refridgerator

This morning she told me the boss there helped all the time too.. buying milk for 800p a month and doing other things to help.. now she wish that he will bring her to cebu what means i shall pay ticket for him to come cebu and back and in addition i shall give him 15000p for the milk he gave over the time.. so he can have a small shop...

 

Since morning i ask her to do a list what she wish to give or pay... so she will see it is not possible.. since morning we text about this and she is telling me she do not think i do not have money.. i worked all the time.. up to she will stay there in luzon if money is more important for me as my son.. then she do not wish to come to cebu and i shall spend my money for my girls here..

 

I guess more and more people are comming to her now and wish to have more and more money after they know she found papa and papa is a foreigner..  not easy for her i think..

 

Im thinking now about how this will be when she is here.. who will come and wish to have money then.. how much money she really expects.. and im thinking about now what is better for the child.. discuss and argue every day about money being here or they stay in luzon where people seem to love him and he is happy?

 

Some actual calculations

 

31k credit left birth

30k for families helping her

20k boss who paid milk too

3,5k work mate

5k bus and ticket (or less, maybe 2,5k we will see)

6k fast test

1k party to go (people become sick if they do not do a party in front of moving new place)

3k pocket money

1k going toledo and back

3k helping family

2k to stay in toledo 2 weeks (for food)

-> 105500p to come to cebu

 

Start in Cebu

20k rent house (2 months deposit, 1 month advance)

2k stove and gas

3k foam to sleep

3k table to eat at

1k rice cooker

....

~ 60000p to get house and to have furniture in it able to live (yes maybe possible to save some money..)

 

no fridge, tv or phone yet, no toys to play for him yet..

 

she is calculating... 65k to come cebu and ask me if i do not trust her to find a place for 35k....

she never did a list yet and is always thinking about one thing at a time.. no problem then having 100k and just giving someone 5k....

 

Lets see how it will develop next hours

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I'm sure you would have a gut feeling once you viewed those pictures, what did your gut say, did you see your self in the mirror. Next, I wouldn't send her one dime until you take a DNA test to prove

Mate, forget about all the money calculations and where he, she and you might live in the future. You are getting too far ahead of yourself. Just back off and don't make any decisions until you get th

Boy, I tell ya. All these guys and how they talk about not caring for a child if it isn't yours.    I have a baby boy in the Philippines whom I love with all my heart.  There is not a snowball's ch

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Monsoon

Well, I won't get into the nitty gritty details of every expense she has given that you have outlined here and saying whether or not I think it is reasonable.

 

But here is how I would approach this: 

 

1. Don't pay everything until she is there. And then I would pay it over time. Providing people fast remedies to their problems isn't really a good idea here. You will get everyone's problems and even some fictitious ones - and when you don't pay your child will somehow be brought into it -  if she is that type of girl. But I would have major red flags if a girl was throwing all the expenses at me and wanting them before departing. Just saying. 

 

2. Ask her how much she has paid towards each 'utang' (credit). I.e. - 30k owed on the birth, a natural birth in a public hospital isn't even 30k. Was it natural birth? etc. 

 

3. I would pay a visit to her place, just to check a few things out and look for other red flags. But I have a good nose for that sort of thing. 

 

Even if the DNA test says the child is yours I would want to know what kind of woman I am getting into with her. I also know nothing about your financial situation, if 100k is a major expense for you, or if you are spending that in a week without thinking about it.  If she is going to be a using piss taker then brace yourself for a long ride unless you find other options. 

Edited by Monsoon
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stgCarlo

Monsoon you can read about my budget here at beginning (~85k a month)

For me it is not if they need a stove or if the child need a baby bike or a teddy... the way she is calculating (or not calculating) and telling me things like then she will stay in luzon and i shall use my money for my chicks here... is what brings red flags in my mind now too

 

Up till today i thought it do not matter for what she will use money there.. it was an amount able to do

She wish to pay all first... what means i need to start now to say no (and as long she tell me this, i need to do) and this makes all much more complicated to raise a child together... if not hard to do..

 

Birth was cessarian cut for 48000p and 31000p is left now.. her boss keep 1k every month from her salary

 

As soon i need to go there to check her out... i do not trust her anymore and maybe then it makes no sense anymore to check her..

 

After having some red flags yesterday and today... i start to think about what kind of woman she is.. not to ask for such things.. the way she responds me gives me red flags too

A long ride makes no sense.. not for me.. not for the child.. (as long the child is really happy there)

 

i guess i need to think about all a bit again.. and maybe it is not possible with her to make decisions together.. maybe i need to handle her as men do in phils.. tell her what and how to do.. do not matter what she wish..

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Honestly she has already started screwing you and I don't mean physically. I think she knows the kid is not yours and it belongs to her boss or at least he is her new boy friend......

 

She knows it is about time for DNA test to come back and it will be negative (not yours) and she is trying to push you for the money BEFORE the test arrives AND get as much as she can before you realize you have been screwed....

 

That is my opinion, if I am wrong I will apologize but I don't think so......now it could be that the kid is yours but she is still trying to get all the money she can for her and her boyfriend THE BOSS.........

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Ronin

Personally I think you're getting too much into the details of the future when you don't even know if the kid is yours.

 

If it is, Monsoon had some great advice about paying back everything owed over a period of time.  Do it on your terms only and manage their expectations.

 

 

 

After having some red flags yesterday and today... i start to think about what kind of woman she is..

 

In my experience, you have to judge a woman over an extended period of time, not just a couple of days.  Speaking of periods... 

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stgCarlo

 

 

She knows it is about time for DNA test to come back and it will be negative (not yours) and she is trying to push you for the money BEFORE the test arrives AND get as much as she can before you realize you have been screwed....

no she is still talking about sending money after test

 

 

 

Honestly she has already started screwing you and I don't mean physically. I think she knows the kid is not yours and it belongs to her boss or at least he is her new boy friend......

this is possible... living with him and its good for her as it is.. .now try to get money to start a shop together to have better income..

 

maybe.. maybe she is just not able to calculate.. still some things possible..

 

I thought a bit about going there and check the situation out.. but this will not help really and normally its not a good idea to go somewhere without having any idea what to expect there..

While im there none from the people will tell me the boss is her bf or none of the families or workmate will tell me they never helped..

Maybe i will have a good feeling then.. maybe i will have some more red flags.. but still i will not know how it will be here in future

 

Another way is to send the money i own her and then i will see if she will come or not... being here i will see how she is..

nice = try to be a real father

gold digger = better to have some distance and try to support child only

 

i do not know yet... for such a decision i need to sleep a nite first.. its always good to do

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Bill H

Put your wallet back in your pocket and hold on tight.  Now is not the time to be thinking about the money and in any case, be slow, be cautious and don't do ANYTHING in a hurry!

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contraman

Put your wallet back in your pocket and hold on tight.  Now is not the time to be thinking about the money and in any case, be slow, be cautious and don't do ANYTHING in a hurry!

This is exactly what I am staying,

He is getting way too far ahead of himself

As mentioned in another post " there's is time enough for counting, when the dealings done".

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stgCarlo

Ozepte thanks for your wishes :)

DNA result will come today or tomorrow and till then no decisions are needed for sure

And after we will see after sleeping and thinking again

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Paddy

if money is more important for me as my son

 

 

she never did a list yet and is always thinking about one thing at a time

 

maybe she is just not able to calculate

Im thinking now about how this will be when she is here

 

It looks rather like her budgeting skills will be non-existent (fairly common in my opinion) and it will likely take you a long time to change it. It also looks like she has some level of a manipulative streak in her and I can see why this raised red flags for you. She may be misunderstanding what you have said / are saying (the opposite can be true too). You will need to exercise strong expectation management skills and clearly differentiate between definitive actions, possibilities and dreams. She will probably see them all as one and the same thing - and will fixate on the dreams and become upset when she realizes you have no intentions to make them happen overnight. 

 

 

after they know she found papa and papa is a foreigner

 

 

I think this is also quite likely and it can be very hard on her. It is not unusual (I think) for people to have payroll loans and borrow from friends and family. I would be more concerned about what she might not yet have told you about. I would also be a little cautious about any amount that has been expressed. A little inflationary excess is to be expected. It never ceases to amaze me that someone can have a 20k payroll loan from their boss that causes them to owe the boss 20k for ever - no matter how much is deducted from their pay cheque.

 

I haven't yet decided if I am cheering for a positive or negative result to the DNA test :) For the child's sake, I sorta hope it's positive but for your sake, I sorta hope not. My crystal ball says you are in for a lot of frustrating times with mom.

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I think I would be inclined to pay her boss back directly and get a receipt which shows the debt has been paid in full - providing of course that the test confirms that you are the father.

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Mattnlenny

Good luck with it Carlo,  I hope it works out the way you want it to.

 

Do people really employ live in help that then bring their crying child into the house and are occupied with them all day while you paying for the privilege? 

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stgCarlo

 

 

It looks rather like her budgeting skills will be non-existent (fairly common in my opinion) and it will likely take you a long time to change it

I do not think its good to try to change her.. im good in calculations and doing a budget. No need that she will learn it..

Much better would be she care about and do things im not good in like to sing with the child or whatever.. (there are many things im not good in.. hopefully she is good with this)

 

 

 

I think this is also quite likely and it can be very hard on her. It is not unusual (I think) for people to have payroll loans and borrow from friends and family. I would be more concerned about what she might not yet have told you about.

I know its common here and some filippino friends have some credits with me too.. like the woman i was yesterday to drink a beer.. i know her 4 years now and to get her actual job i borrowed her 1800p for requirements... she pays it back in small steps.. it was interesting to talk with her how it is to be single mom having a 5 year old son... and it was interesting to hear from her how she thinks about what i like to do..

There will be some additional things for sure.. thats not the problem.. i will be able to handle..

The red flags are comming more from the way she reacts.. possible a problem for our future...

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stgCarlo

Good luck with it Carlo,  I hope it works out the way you want it to.

 

Do people really employ live in help that then bring their crying child into the house and are occupied with them all day while you paying for the privilege? 

Thanks

Her boss or the stepfather as she says helped her being pregnant already.. he was with her in hospital.. he is standing as father at the moment in birth certificate.. he made and paid small party for the first birthday.. he organized and paid christening..

(As far i know from her)

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