Surprising Convo with my Filipina GF

[davewe 488]

My new GF is middle class and well educated, if that matters. And she is not Catholic. And I am surprised.

 

So last night we are chatting about my next trip to see her in April. We both have expressed dislike for condoms, but who does like them. As she is making it clear that maybe I dont have to use them I say, "Well how would that work?" I asked and answered myself. "Maybe if we both got tested and showed the test results to the other - then we would know we are at least safe. Since we are committed to not see other people - perhaps this would help." Then I am thinking that one of the two risk issues might be handled - potential pregnancy would require another discussion.

 

She asks me to repeat myself several times as she does not understand. Once she understands she gets upset. "Are you saying I am not clean? Gosh!" I explain that exchanging test results is a common practice in the US when a couple is about to begin a serious relationship, but she says this is not the case in the PI. She keeps repeating that I do not trust her but that she completely trusts me.

 

Again if this were an uneducated girl it would be one thing. But I was shocked at the attitude.

[Mr. Mike 10,445]

Your suggestion is wise, hope she comes to understand it.

Edited January 10, 2012 by Mr. Mike

[Davaoeno 37,141]

Again if this were an uneducated girl it would be one thing. But I was shocked at the attitude.

 

 

Even in western countries the theory is one thing and the practise [ and psychology lol] another .. She's saying " look, i,m clean , i can absolutely guarantee that, and you say you trust me and love me, but now you say you wont take my word for it and want me to show you a piece of paper that says i am not a liar ??!

 

Like I said- the safe sex theory and the psychology can be hard to reconcile. Do you have reason not to trust her ? I always know what i should do, but lots of times i dont do it. Maybe i have just been lucky- or maybe i am good at judging people ??

[throttleplate 1,893]

if testing for aids you should know that it doesnt show up as positive even though she may have it.

[throttleplate 1,893]

We both have expressed dislike for condoms, but who does like them

i dont mind using them,i like a certain brand and it helps me from climaxing to soon

[Edwin 7,040]

In the Philippines there is a much more prevalent issue than HIV and that is HBV. Get vaccinated.

[Mr. Mike 10,445]

i dont mind using them,i like a certain brand and it helps me from climaxing to soon

 

TMI, TMI, TMI The least you can do is to provide the BRAND NAME!

[broden 57,113]

TMI, TMI, TMI The least you can do is to provide the BRAND NAME!

reynolds wrap

[shadow 18,481]

My new GF is middle class and well educated, if that matters. And she is not Catholic. And I am surprised.

 

So last night we are chatting about my next trip to see her in April. We both have expressed dislike for condoms, but who does like them. As she is making it clear that maybe I dont have to use them I say, "Well how would that work?" I asked and answered myself. "Maybe if we both got tested and showed the test results to the other - then we would know we are at least safe. Since we are committed to not see other people - perhaps this would help." Then I am thinking that one of the two risk issues might be handled - potential pregnancy would require another discussion.

 

She asks me to repeat myself several times as she does not understand. Once she understands she gets upset. "Are you saying I am not clean? Gosh!" I explain that exchanging test results is a common practice in the US when a couple is about to begin a serious relationship, but she says this is not the case in the PI. She keeps repeating that I do not trust her but that she completely trusts me.

 

Again if this were an uneducated girl it would be one thing. But I was shocked at the attitude.

 

Any type of sex education is not generally included in the curriculum here, even with the "educated".

 

Larry in Dumaguete

[davewe 488]

Even in western countries the theory is one thing and the practise [ and psychology lol] another .. She's saying " look, i,m clean , i can absolutely guarantee that, and you say you trust me and love me, but now you say you wont take my word for it and want me to show you a piece of paper that says i am not a liar ??!

 

Like I said- the safe sex theory and the psychology can be hard to reconcile. Do you have reason not to trust her ? I always know what i should do, but lots of times i dont do it. Maybe i have just been lucky- or maybe i am good at judging people ??

 

Thanks for your reasoned response. What makes it more complex is that after many years of marriage (no condom use, but often no sex as well) and 5 years divorced (always using condoms, but not always getting sex) I now have a lovely, sexy girl who I really like, likes me and is willing to do it in such a way. So to salve my own conscious I proposed doing "the right thing" by getting tested and she responded by being hurt. So now I am between a rock and a hard place (no, not that hard place); do I hurt her or not act completely safe?

[Art 6,548]

I believe women do not like to be thought of as sluts you have to work around that issue. You can suggest to her you trust her completely maybe its one of her past boyfriends you dont trust and just maybe he was not clean and lied to you and you dont know it. Good luck with her I understand your concern this is an issue with modern promiscuity the Philippines hasn't caught up with contemporay thinking a la USA. You can understand her in a society that expects women to be virgins at their weddings.

 

This is something you need to discuss with her in person not over the internet before you meet.

 

Women dont intend to sleep around its something that just happened in the passion of the moment ooops.

[Mr. Mike 10,445]

reynolds wrap

.....I thought for sure is was tupperware!

[SkyMan 23,024]

So she doesn't understand that she might get pregnant?

[broden 57,113]

Thanks for your reasoned response. What makes it more complex is that after many years of marriage (no condom use, but often no sex as well) and 5 years divorced (always using condoms, but not always getting sex) I now have a lovely, sexy girl who I really like, likes me and is willing to do it in such a way. So to salve my own conscious I proposed doing "the right thing" by getting tested and she responded by being hurt. So now I am between a rock and a hard place (no, not that hard place); do I hurt her or not act completely safe?

 

see what you're tell us?

 

tell her that.

 

and get tested yourself at least

[Davaoeno 37,141]

do I hurt her or not act completely safe?

 

 

what does your gut tell you ?? [ yes- we all know what your loins tell you !! lol]. I trust my instincts a lot, and in this department they have never been wrong . How well do you know her? how many boy friends has she had ? Where has she met them ? etc etc [ I am NOT suggesting that you tell us the answers to those questions- only that you ask yourself them ]. If you believe she is a sweet girl who has had maybe only 1 or 2 sexual partners and that they were classmate type guys then i say go for it. Of course not everyone would agree with me- but sometimes you have to take a bit of a chance in life.

[Mang Kanor 86]

what does your gut tell you ?? [ yes- we all know what your loins tell you !! lol]. I trust my instincts a lot, and in this department they have never been wrong . How well do you know her? how many boy friends has she had ? Where has she met them ? etc etc [ I am NOT suggesting that you tell us the answers to those questions- only that you ask yourself them ]. If you believe she is a sweet girl who has had maybe only 1 or 2 sexual partners and that they were classmate type guys then i say go for it. Of course not everyone would agree with me- but sometimes you have to take a bit of a chance in life.

 

you think she'll tell you everything? everyone of us has some reservations and telling where and how many she had had sex isnt something every girl will tell...

 

Better be safe than sorry IMHO

[Wombat No More 2,085]

My new GF is middle class and well educated, if that matters. And she is not Catholic. And I am surprised.

 

So last night we are chatting about my next trip to see her in April. We both have expressed dislike for condoms, but who does like them. As she is making it clear that maybe I dont have to use them I say, "Well how would that work?" I asked and answered myself. "Maybe if we both got tested and showed the test results to the other - then we would know we are at least safe. Since we are committed to not see other people - perhaps this would help." Then I am thinking that one of the two risk issues might be handled - potential pregnancy would require another discussion.

 

She asks me to repeat myself several times as she does not understand. Once she understands she gets upset. "Are you saying I am not clean? Gosh!" I explain that exchanging test results is a common practice in the US when a couple is about to begin a serious relationship, but she says this is not the case in the PI. She keeps repeating that I do not trust her but that she completely trusts me.

 

Again if this were an uneducated girl it would be one thing. But I was shocked at the attitude.

Nobody has answered you in the way you were,I'm sure, asking... You are mystified by the response from her... Don't worry mate, but don't harp on it and a quick apology to her and shut up about it should settle her down. You can talk to her face to face if it's still an issue but you're already on a loser being overseas. It's a response you may get from a lot of Filipino's on a variety of subjects coz they haven't experienced someone apparently questioning them or their habits before or whatever the subject matter may be. If they detect what they think is anything controversial to them etc etc, they will become defensive in attitude and that can very quickly lead to anger and a disruption to a relationship. I've been able to diffuse such "misunderstandings" most times in the past but it's one of the things to watch out for coz ya just can't always talk here, even in what we think is an ordinary and reasonable way, without being sometimes misunderstood for the worse.

[goldote 250]

At first they will pick an issue to get upset about to gain control.

It's instinctive. They can't help testing to see where you stand...or if you will stand.

Tell her you're the boss and she has to do it if it is what you want.

She should get used to you managing your life.

'It's up to you' and you'll be blamed for the outcome anyway.

If she can't relax with you in the driver's seat; there will be no end to the drama.

How does she know she doesn't like condoms?

[mpt1947 956]

I would attempted to have the discussion one more time - taking time to explain that is isn't a trust issue it is more of a health issue.

 

Have you both admitted to having previous partners? The idea that a previous partner may not have been honest is a good point, but HIV does take time to show up - how long has it been since a previous partner? Be Honest with the number of partners you have had and your desire to protect her from any of your possible lying partners.

 

Have you had sex with each other using condoms?

If yes, was the hygiene of each of you acceptable to each other?

Have you participated in oral sex with each other?

Was that comfortable for you?

 

Regardless of whether she is Catholic or not has little to do with how she may feel about unwanted pregnancies. As in the US and other western countries - Abortion generally isn't accepted regardless of the level of education.

 

As Davao pointed out - either he has been very lucky, or he is a very good judge of character - so am I - what has your previous experience been?

 

After that, you have to go with your gut -

 

Best of luck to you

[davewe 488]

At first they will pick an issue to get upset about to gain control.

It's instinctive. They can't help testing to see where you stand...or if you will stand.

Tell her you're the boss and she has to do it if it is what you want.

She should get used to you managing your life.

'It's up to you' and you'll be blamed for the outcome anyway.

If she can't relax with you in the driver's seat; there will be no end to the drama.

How does she know she doesn't like condoms?

 

I am fine being in charge, but in my opinion this is an issue a little more important than deciding where we're gonna go out tonight.

 

But you completely lost me with your last sentence, so I will be clearer. She is no virgin and we have already slept together (with condoms).

Edited January 11, 2012 by davewe

[Athena 1,212]

At first they will pick an issue to get upset about to gain control.

It's instinctive. They can't help testing to see where you stand...or if you will stand.

Tell her you're the boss and she has to do it if it is what you want.

She should get used to you managing your life.

'It's up to you' and you'll be blamed for the outcome anyway.

If she can't relax with you in the driver's seat; there will be no end to the drama.

How does she know she doesn't like condoms?

 

 

good lord ............ if the OP follows your advice his TOAST!!!

[lazydays 1,306]

good lord ............ if the OP follows your advice his TOAST!!!

 

Spot on!

[lazydays 1,306]

"Are you saying I am not clean?

 

I'm not surprised by her reply at all.

I would have expected that response from all my exs, including a few slaps around the face, if i had brought up that question.

 

I explain that exchanging test results is a common practice in the US when a couple is about to begin a serious relationship,

 

News to me, i've never heard people mention that in the UK.

Just use a condom if your un sure, helps avoid pregnancy too.

[goldote 250]

good lord ............ if the OP follows your advice his TOAST!!!

 

That's the drama I'm talkin about.

You have the right to wave the white flag....and her the red.

What's so hard about a test if it's what you want? I refuse to understand.

I, like others here, have been toasted, roasted, fried and baked.

Cracked white wheat.

But not anymore.

[Headshot 29,176]

In the Philippines there is a much more prevalent issue than HIV and that is HBV. Get vaccinated.

 

Do you mean HPV? For that, there is a vaccine.