Concern vs control from a western partner's viewpoint

[lamoe 13,764]

My opinions  - based on my very limited experience with both species of women

Was talking with a Filipina  and mentioned that my Tata tries sometimes  to be what I would consider very controlling

Her response was "no, she is concerned about you"

Thought about it and decided she's right.

Many times the actions / words may be similar but the motive is different for western women (ex-wife) and Filipinas

WW do it because it's what they've been taught and it  benefits them directly immediately / long term - much is also do to the man (me) being very indifferent to the choices  which sets a pattern that is very hard to break when the choices are major

Let's go out for Italian - NO! I want American,  Let's go to Disney Land, NO! I want  Disney World,etc.

Sometimes seems they do it looking to be overridden? if not done early on leads to fierce arguments - hard to tell with women

Over time it becomes easier to not care no matter what the choices are rather than argue

Filipinas are taught the selflessness mentioned in another thread and that attitude is transferred onto their partners along with a large dose of mothering if no children present and this, for a Western man (me again), can be difficult at first to understand

Dinner - offers choicest cuts and if I finish first, I eat very fast,  says "take some of mine" - now I say "no, I'm full" knowing  she really is still hungry.

Morning questions if I don't tell her I did  - My love - Did you take your vitamin? Yes hon, Did you drink water? Yes hon, Did you eat your bananas? Yes hon, How many? 2, Did you eat bread also? YES HON!!

Put some clothes on - people might see!!

Change shirts. I've only had it on 3 hours  -  you sweated, might catch cold - change -  Yes hon.

Hard to explain to her why this amount of mothering / control sometimes irritates me.

Sort of like when the mother tells little boy "you have your church clothes on,  don't get dirty" so of course he jumps into a mud puddle just to rebel

Not being accustomed to this level of  attention has taken me 2 years to understand that it is in fact her concern for my well being rather than control for hers .

I do realize how truly lucky I am but it will still irritate me at times cause boys just like mud puddles

Edited September 30, 2019 by lamoe

[+Salty Dog 65,305]

2 hours ago, lamoe said:

My opinions  - based on my very limited experience with both species of women

I think that says it all.

Too small a sample to come to a valid conclusion...

[Davaoeno 37,070]

1 hour ago, Salty Dog said:

I think that says it all.

Too small a sample to come to a valid conclusion...

So Don - what species is your wife ??       [ are you even brave enough to ask her ?? lol ]

[+Salty Dog 65,305]

31 minutes ago, Davaoeno said:

So Don - what species is your wife ?? 

[Headshot 29,076]

I think most Filipinas want their husband to wear clean, ironed shirts because it will reflect badly on the wife if the husband wears a wrinkled, soiled shirt. Filipinas tend to judge each other for stuff like that. Tata gets you to change your shirt because you think that she believes you will get sick if you don't. She might believe that, but the main reason she wants you to wear a clean shirt is so you will "present" well. She doesn't want to be embarrassed by some other Filipina making a comment.

[lamoe 13,764]

4 hours ago, Headshot said:

I think most Filipinas want their husband to wear clean, ironed shirts because it will reflect badly on the wife if the husband wears a wrinkled, soiled shirt. Filipinas tend to judge each other for stuff like that. Tata gets you to change your shirt because you think that she believes you will get sick if you don't. She might believe that, but the main reason she wants you to wear a clean shirt is so you will "present" well. She doesn't want to be embarrassed by some other Filipina making a comment.

I can accept that - was instructed to pack a clean shirt in carry-on to change into just before last leg of flight home - 4 hours then cab home

 

[Soupeod 6,909]

On 9/30/2019 at 9:30 AM, lamoe said:

My opinions  - based on my very limited experience with both species of women

Was talking with a Filipina  and mentioned that my Tata tries sometimes  to be what I would consider very controlling

Her response was "no, she is concerned about you"

Thought about it and decided she's right.

Many times the actions / words may be similar but the motive is different for western women (ex-wife) and Filipinas

WW do it because it's what they've been taught and it  benefits them directly immediately / long term - much is also do to the man (me) being very indifferent to the choices  which sets a pattern that is very hard to break when the choices are major

Let's go out for Italian - NO! I want American,  Let's go to Disney Land, NO! I want  Disney World,etc.

Sometimes seems they do it looking to be overridden? if not done early on leads to fierce arguments - hard to tell with women

Over time it becomes easier to not care no matter what the choices are rather than argue

Filipinas are taught the selflessness mentioned in another thread and that attitude is transferred onto their partners along with a large dose of mothering if no children present and this, for a Western man (me again), can be difficult at first to understand

Dinner - offers choicest cuts and if I finish first, I eat very fast,  says "take some of mine" - now I say "no, I'm full" knowing  she really is still hungry.

Morning questions if I don't tell her I did  - My love - Did you take your vitamin? Yes hon, Did you drink water? Yes hon, Did you eat your bananas? Yes hon, How many? 2, Did you eat bread also? YES HON!!

Put some clothes on - people might see!!

Change shirts. I've only had it on 3 hours  -  you sweated, might catch cold - change -  Yes hon.

Hard to explain to her why this amount of mothering / control sometimes irritates me.

Sort of like when the mother tells little boy "you have your church clothes on,  don't get dirty" so of course he jumps into a mud puddle just to rebel

Not being accustomed to this level of  attention has taken me 2 years to understand that it is in fact her concern for my well being rather than control for hers .

I do realize how truly lucky I am but it will still irritate me at times cause boys just like mud puddles

You are a lucky man. 

[Maldita23 157]

Nah, we do it all so you would be dependent on us   .

[Davaoeno 37,070]

23 hours ago, Maldita23 said:

Nah, we do it all so you would be dependent on us   .

While I believe that you intended that as a joke I can state from personal experience that it is often true  [ and no joke! ]    

Things like withholding certain information  [ hon I didnt want you  to get upset! ]

Edited October 3, 2019 by Davaoeno

[Headshot 29,076]

6 minutes ago, Davaoeno said:

While I believe that you intended that as a joke I can state from personally experience that it is often true  [ and no joke! ]    

Things like withholding certain information  [ hon I didnt want you  to get upset! ]

True story. That is why her post is funny.

[softail 1,633]

On 9/30/2019 at 1:50 PM, Headshot said:

I think most Filipinas want their husband to wear clean, ironed shirts because it will reflect badly on the wife if the husband wears a wrinkled, soiled shirt. Filipinas tend to judge each other for stuff like that. Tata gets you to change your shirt because you think that she believes you will get sick if you don't. She might believe that, but the main reason she wants you to wear a clean shirt is so you will "present" well. She doesn't want to be embarrassed by some other Filipina making a comment.

You hit the nail on the head. I have heard this a lot. My well meaning wife doesn’t want to be judged badly by me walking around in a wrinkled shirt.  I do get a bit irritated at times but in the end she dose mean well.  Merging cultures can be a bit trying at times.

[Jawny 4,617]

I’ve only had one experience regarding my wife expressing some interest in my appearance.  She didn’t criticize, nor even suggest anything.  But, it became apparent there was a big clue in her words.

We were walking around in a dimly lit part of a city in Leyte enjoying the dusk after the sunset. I commented to her that it seemed people were watching us, which seemed odd, since it was dark and would be hard to spot me as a foreigner.

She said....."maybe the white socks make you noticeable". 

[TequilaSunset 2,755]

All I can say is I've found the same type of woman, and I'm very happy too... adapt and enjoy Lamoe, definitely better than anything I had in the west.

Sent from my SM-N960U using Tapatalk

[lamoe 13,764]

 

13 hours ago, softail said:

You hit the nail on the head. I have heard this a lot. My well meaning wife doesn’t want to be judged badly by me walking around in a wrinkled shirt.  I do get a bit irritated at times but in the end she dose mean well.  Merging cultures can be a bit trying at times.

That's probably also why she tells me to put my bath wrap on - no walking around in wrinkly skin

[Davaoeno 37,070]

5 hours ago, lamoe said:

 

That's probably also why she tells me to put my bath wrap on - no walking around in wrinkly skin

I'm pretty sure that is NOT the reason !!