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‘Sorry aboot that, eh’ — Canadian sniper apologizes after record-breaking kill shot

105e1065ef4ff42218352fdaf56d6407?s=26&d=By Cat Astronaut On Jun 24, 2017
CanadianSniper-e1498253138631-750x430.jp
 OTTAWA — A Canadian sniper apologized today after he was confirmed to have scored the longest lethal shot on record, according to sources.

The sniper, whose identity is being withheld for operational security reasons, said he was sorry both to the ISIS fighter he killed and to the former record-holder, British soldier Craig Harrison, whose record his 2.2-mile shot smashed by over 3,000 feet.

“Sorry aboot that, eh,” the sniper supposedly said as the .50 caliber round ripped through the insurgent’s thoracic cavity. “I thought that was a dern moose, friend.”

According to experts, Canadian standard operating procedure is to ask a target’s permission before ending his life, so as to maintain a spirit of good sportsmanship.

“We’re all aboot friendship and fair play up here in Canada, even if we’re just killing a bunch of hosers like ISIS,” said Canadian military spokesman Mick Robinson. “All the famous Canadians that everyone’s heard of like Frank Boucher and Jack Bionda would tell you the same, buddy.”

 

After hiding out in full-body denim ghillie suits for days, the sniper team allegedly returned to their base where they celebrated with a “specially prepared dinner of maple syrup, Tim Horton’s doughnuts, Molson Ice, and poutine for the Québécois comm. guy.”

Robinson says this shot will “stand right up there with Gretzky’s hat trick against Calgary in ’88” as one of the greatest moments in Canadian history.

“I’d say that was aboot as accurate as a Gordie Howe slapshot, eh,” said Robinson while sitting in a refrigerator and sharpening his ice skates. “I don’t even know what a 2.2 miles is, but I’m scared to look it up.”

“You happen to catch the score of the curling match?”

Kate C and Midshipman W.T. Door contributed from Saskatoon.

http://www.duffelblog.com/2017/06/canadian-sniper-kill-shot-record/

 

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Mattis Clears Head During Evening Stroll, 8 Killed

0fc869dfe00313170f22dee3da656a50?s=26&d=By Andrew Calin On Jun 21, 2017
mattis WASHINGTON — The Metropolitan Police Special Tactics Branch was activated Saturday night after a fatigued Secretary of Defense James Mattis took eight lives during a casual walk through the downtown area.

Calls to the 911 emergency line began coming in around 6:35 p.m. with reports of a man lying face down with a Vietnam War-era bayonet stuck through the external occipital protuberance area of his skull, as well as at least three other victims having been thrown off of the 14th Street Bridge, sources confirmed.

Police were on the scene within three minutes and encountered a male white subject in his 60s calmly tearing out the vocal chords of a demonstrator from People Power and Potluck! while simultaneously breaking the neck of a passing meter maid.

Metropolitan Police Officer Ty Runyon was one of the first people on the scene, and had only a few seconds to size up the situation and initiate contact.

 

“As a police officer, especially in 2017, we’ve obviously trained extensively for this kind of mass casualty situation,” Runyon said, “luckily for just about everyone involved, it was Secretary Mattis and not some loose cannon that we had to take out.”

At least 20 additional officers had their guns drawn and were ready to apprehend the suspect before realizing his identity. One probationary officer still in field training, however, was unfamiliar with Mattis and attempted to subdue him. He was subsequently disemboweled without incident.

Police spokesperson Reginald Fletcher called the situation a ‘misunderstanding’ while commenting outside the Mattis residence after officers had driven him home.

“It’s unfortunate that eight individuals were put to death tonight, and I’m sure they’ll be missed,” Fletcher said, “but lesson learned – if you encounter a stressed out or pissed off Jim Mattis, you better know who he is and stay the feck out of his way.”



Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2017/06/mattis-evening-walk/#ixzz4nFS0jjDA

 

 

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Oz Jon

What a relief to know that we are all in good hands - and if we aren't, at least they have a good sense of humo(u)r! .... Lol!

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smokey

another one we have a big red headed fat cook sucks at his job outside the mess hall /// tent  is this wooden telephone pole has some signal shit on the top.. red as they called him gets a ladder and gets this guy in maint to build him a place to stand on the side of this pole its about 40 feet tall .. We come back early one day and red is up there on this pole trying very hard to look like a sniper with all the gear and has some supply nerd taking pictures.. Sends this stuff home to tell his buddies his job as a killer sniper .. time goes on he does it a few times... one time just before dark we hear a shot ring out and everyone hits for cover seems someone from the village shot fat red while he was up in the pole acting all super killer... 

 

oh and this one ... a general was shot down in 2 core and everyone was ordered to look for his bird as if captured a big no no .. we are using a small base as a landing and refuel stop and its been 2 days the jungle and  its  not giving him up ... second night the Arvens are guarding the gate and we get some other south Viennese guys to sneak us out in a half track to go get laid its tight in there for us 6 and so we each take a grenade and nothing else well except for a few condom... We get dropped off at this shack and run inside now we are in the village the ladies show up and we get busy next morning I see the girls practicing Birth control using a bucket each is splashing water up the equipment and then jumping up and down .. hummm finally everyone is up we plan out way of getting back into the base without getting caught its early and we have lift off at 7 am  one guy is slow as shit .. mr clean they call him get up and takes out his camp type tooth brush and starts to brush his teeth USING the water in the bucket we all look at each other and he say What the F you guy find so funny... then one guy says hey anyone see my grenade its not where I left it .. we all start running as fast as we can .. I was demoted from E-4 to E-3 for that night... I would go on to make E-5 3 times in one year ...  

 

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Topper
3 hours ago, smokey said:

another one we have a big red headed fat cook sucks at his job outside the mess hall /// tent  is this wooden telephone pole has some signal shit on the top.. red as they called him gets a ladder and gets this guy in maint to build him a place to stand on the side of this pole its about 40 feet tall .. We come back early one day and red is up there on this pole trying very hard to look like a sniper with all the gear and has some supply nerd taking pictures.. Sends this stuff home to tell his buddies his job as a killer sniper .. time goes on he does it a few times... one time just before dark we hear a shot ring out and everyone hits for cover seems someone from the village shot fat red while he was up in the pole acting all super killer... 

 

oh and this one ... a general was shot down in 2 core and everyone was ordered to look for his bird as if captured a big no no .. we are using a small base as a landing and refuel stop and its been 2 days the jungle and  its  not giving him up ... second night the Arvens are guarding the gate and we get some other south Viennese guys to sneak us out in a half track to go get laid its tight in there for us 6 and so we each take a grenade and nothing else well except for a few condom... We get dropped off at this shack and run inside now we are in the village the ladies show up and we get busy next morning I see the girls practicing Birth control using a bucket each is splashing water up the equipment and then jumping up and down .. hummm finally everyone is up we plan out way of getting back into the base without getting caught its early and we have lift off at 7 am  one guy is slow as shit .. mr clean they call him get up and takes out his camp type tooth brush and starts to brush his teeth USING the water in the bucket we all look at each other and he say What the F you guy find so funny... then one guy says hey anyone see my grenade its not where I left it .. we all start running as fast as we can ..  

 

I was demoted from E-4 to E-3 for that night... I would go on to make E-5 3 times in one year ...

Well Smokey, it just goes to show you...you can't keep a good man down.

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smokey
57 minutes ago, Topper said:

I was demoted from E-4 to E-3 for that night... I would go on to make E-5 3 times in one year ...

Well Smokey, it just goes to show you...you can't keep a good man down.

that's true the funny part is they wanted me to go to OCS and become a wobbly a lifer at that time was like being called gender challenged ... I never was into it for the glory and for the most part staying alive was a good thing but after that roller coaster ride nothing came close ..I did apply for Air America but my phyc test came back unacceptable then I joined  LAPD for a few weeks  made  it to training but was let go again on the pyc test . I would of loved to be a mercenary instead of a small business owner ..

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Mr. Mike

Air America = CIA...if I remember correctly.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Mr. Mike

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Headshot
9 hours ago, Mr. Mike said:

Air America = CIA...if I remember correctly.

Sort of...

Air America was never an official part of the CIA. Air America pilots were contractors (mercenaries). It was kind of the same as the Lao and Chinese mercenaries who were also being paid by the CIA to fight the ground war there (through a lot of different pockets of course). The Contra scandal in the 80's killed all of that (or at least publicly). Then again, the CIA may have finally learned how to keep a secret.

Edited by Headshot
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broden

hjgwavW.jpg

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Denis

@Smokey

May I relate your story in your first post to another website that is in Australia.

catallaxyfiles.com

I will attribute it however you say.

Cheers Man.

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broden

random-pictures-61.jpg

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Chesty The Bulldog charged with sexual harassment after humping numerous legs

by CharlieMike6 days ago

Corporal Chesty XIV
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MARINE BARRACKS WASHINGTON, D.C. — Cpl. Chesty XIV, also known as Chesty The Bulldog, has been removed from his primary duties as the official Marine Corps mascot following multiple charges of sexual misconduct, sources confirmed today.

There were several cases involving accusations of leg humping, unsolicited face licking, and one claim of lewd sexting.

“I always suspected Chesty was letting his fame go to his head,” said Pfc. David Trimbull, a member of the Marine Corps Silent Drill Platoon. “We all heard rumors, but the command made it perfectly clear they wanted us to keep quiet.”

In 2016, a story emerged about Chesty when a server witnessed him cornering two Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders at the USO Gala in Washington, D.C.

“I was in absolute shock, just like them,” said the witness, whose name is withheld out of fear of reprisal. “I couldn’t move I was so scared, and when it was all over, all I could do was comfort them and offer some clean napkins.”

The two cheerleaders never pressed charges and refused to comment on the incident.

Stories involving sexual harassment and abuse aren’t new to the Marines. Earlier this year, the Corps was rocked by a scandal involving a Facebook group known as “Marines United” where more than 30,000 active and former Marines shared nude photos of former partners without their consent.

During the initial investigation into the infamous social media group, authorities discovered images of a female chihuahua and French bulldog, but didn’t see any connection. In light of recent events, however, law enforcement is now looking into whether or not Chesty may have been involved.

 

 

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Drowning Navy officer miraculously saved by his inflated ego

by Cat Astronautabout a month ago

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SAN DIEGO — Naval officer and self-described “warrior-scholar” Lt. Mark Chadwick was saved from drowning by his massively inflated ego during a training exercise earlier this week, sources confirmed.

Bystanders claim that after Chadwick fell overboard he immediately condescended not only to the rescue team but also to the water itself, and that he certainly would have drowned had he not begun touting his credentials so much that his arrogance literally kept him afloat.

“I was top of my class at the Academy, and lettered in track and sprint football,” said Chadwick in an interview, smugly knocking his class ring on the table while gesturing to the various items in his challenge coin collection. “So I wasn’t worried about some pathetic little water that probably went to community college.”

Chadwick admits it was not only his ego that saved him, but also his inspired leadership and flawless professional competence in an “unequaled Naval career comparable to that of Nimitz.”

“I’m really proud and lucky to have him as my section leader,” said Petty Officer Steven West, who witnessed the event. “His ego might be the only thing keeping this ship afloat.”

In addition to being “a man of superb tact and punctiliousness,” Chadwick is also “the spear by which the nation’s enemies shall perish,” as he later remarked during a casual conversation with a stranger in line at Starbuck’s.

“I’m not saying I’m Horatio Nelson or anything,” he added. “But I’m Horatio Nelson.”

 

 

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Mr. Mike

Image result for military humor memes

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