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colemanlee

It’s not just foreigners who are expected to splash the cash

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22 minutes ago, Laurence said:

My wife earns. It's up to her to spend her earnings wherever and whenever she wishes. She can give me cash, spend on our family, suggest 50/50 for vactaions ... whatever. Her money, her choice.

And what about your money? Do you get to choose where you spend it without consulting her as well?

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Chris24
On 4/1/2019 at 10:28 PM, jtmwatchbiz said:

be patient.  i told you i will pay you back as soon as i get a job.  i'm not like those 7 others!   

 

If you can get Smokey to lend you another 25k pesos (to pay to me) I can get you a very good chance of landing a contract.  No guarantee but what do you have to lose?  

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Chris24

My wife and I keep our money separate, we are both good with money and it just seems to work better that way.  I've set it up so that we each have about the same amount of disposable income after our share of the household expenses.  Over the years as we had kids and as incomes and other expenses changed, we've rebalanced how we divide up responsibilities, and of course when there are surprises we figure out a reasonable way to handle them.   This approach has avoided tension or disagreement about money.

As for supporting family I guess I got lucky because my wife's family is actually one that did left themselves up by educating the oldest, who then helped educate younger siblings of which my wife is one.  Now a younger sister lives with us here in the US and also their mother, who is a blessing and contributes to the household in ways that most traditional American families lost generations ago.  They do help family back home including distant cousins with education, that's part of the culture and their own family values.  They have not asked me to contribute money but in truth if there were a cousin with high potential and drive, I probably would help with education.

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to_dave007

Wife's niece (age 18 now) in our small "upstairs" house (up the hill) with her grandmother and we've sponsored her through school to the point where she's just finished grade 11..  just 1 more year of HS to go..  And I've been 100% clear from the beginning that "we are sponsoring an education not a baby, so don't get pregnant else the sponsorship will need to end".  Last month my wife informs me that her niece is "late" and that pregnancy is suspected..  but no..  the cycle came..  late..  and another bullet was dodged.  For right or wrong I'd like to see her finish grade 12 at least..  In the past she has said she wishes to be an accountant.

Just made a mental note to suggest to my wife that we sponsor birth control as well. 

Her younger sister was single mum at 16 after saying no to our assistance.

And her 13 year old kid brother just quit school (his choice) and now works in the market at Consolacion... 150 peso/day.

And 4 more younger siblings coming along who presumably look up to their older siblings for guidance.

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jtmwatchbiz
12 hours ago, Ozepete said:

I couldn't help but notice a little boy was 'nursing' his bread roll although I could see he really wanted to eat in.  I asked and found out that his little sister was asleep and he wanted to wait until she awoke so he could share his bread roll with her.  That amazed me.. here I was sixty odd and schooled in what really matters by a four year old! I never forgot those kids and that lesson, and helping the less fortunate kids we do now and seeing the happiness and love in their eyes, I now know why he waited to share his bread roll with his little sister..  

good lesson for everyone who reads it.   do the right thing and help the innocent kids.   no need to look at the broader picture and allow them to suffer for mistakes made by adults.   if we have the means then help them out.   it's only money fellas. 

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JamesMusslewhite
On 4/1/2019 at 10:03 AM, Davaoeno said:

a 50-50 partnership ?? or do you always have the deciding vote in the partnership  when it comes to spending for her family ?  

Yah that made head tilt a little too. I have always found the concept of a 50-50 arrangement to be an illusion, a foolish fallacy and a rule most often quoted by the most selfish or underachieving partner. It rarely works in business and never hardly ever works in a relationship.

A relationships I believe actually requires an open 100-100 partnership

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to_dave007
2 hours ago, JamesMusslewhite said:

A relationships I believe actually requires an open 100-100 partnership

whatever works for each couple.. every relationship is different.

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JamesMusslewhite
Posted (edited)
18 hours ago, to_dave007 said:

whatever works for each couple.. every relationship is different.

This is true, but does it actually work?

  People tend to be primarily the same throughout the world. I believe it actually depends on how tolerant one is towards their partner, and how far a partner is willing to bend which gauges the true strength of a partnership. Of course everything is always just peachy-kin for the one getting their way or benefiting the most from the situation. Just how many business partnerships and marriages literally cash-and-burn within only five years? All but for a small percentage. And I suspect most of those which do survive were not 50-50 arrangements. Rather it are those who where 'all-in', willing to step in and fill the gaps, cover each other's back and unselfishly work together. Collaboration always requires flexibility and compromise requiring more than a 50-50 relationship. 

   Of course all of those involved in businesses and relationships which failed, rarely see it as being of their own accord, rather being the primary fault of their partners. Denial is often palpable in situations requiring serious self-refection, and self-denial is far more palatable then that heaping plate of steamed crow. One of the failings of human nature is the inability to accept or perceive one's own actions as being evil, selfish, controlling, greedy etc. That is why there is almost always 3-sides of the story when involving failed or failing relationships. These are the story of 'side-A', that of 'side-B' and the actual 'truths' found in the middle muddled within the 'gray area' of individual perceptions.   

   I am reminded of something a friend recently told me when his 4th marriage was failing. ''I may bot be a expert on marriage, but I am an expert on divorce.''  And again his saintly betroth magically transformed into a fanged beast, being of no fault of his own. Now his discussion are of his new 5th fanged fiend's unprovoked battle scaring. Such drama, but the sad reality is that there will probably be a 7th, 8th or more ahead of my friend. Of course these are never a fault of his own. I find it is a senseless lesson in futility to confront one determines to remain oblivious, so I continue to console my friend and hope someday he realizes what a controlling selfish prick he is for any woman to have to live with.  The old 'perception vs reality' paradox playing out before me live on my social media. My mother once gave me a rule to gauge the measure of a person's honesty, ''Actions always trumps mere words; and it is far easier to show me, than it is to snow me.'' which I have always found to be quite sound.

Edited by JamesMusslewhite
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Headshot
Posted (edited)

I'm not sure that a true 50-50 relationship actually exists. There is no way to resolve differing viewpoints in such a relationship. Relationships rely on open communication (and some sort of consensus) to succeed, which means that whenever there is a difference, one partner must convince the other to concede. If one partner feels like the other partner is making all of the decisions, one of two things will happen. Either one partner will become totally dependent on the other for decisions ... or one partner will feel resentful of the other for making the decisions. In fact, whichever of these scenarios plays out, the relationship will suffer. In my own relationship, decision-making is always in flux. Sometimes I make decisions, and sometimes she makes decisions, but never in a vacuum, and always with the consent of the other. The point is that we communicate. To make a decision that the other partner is opposed to is just asking for further conflict down the road. That is how divorces are born.

Edited by Headshot
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PlanB

My wife is aware of objectification of people into sources of money. We host or sponsor no people or events- ever. We make small donations to whatever call for action they think of next. That’s it. Very interesting and validating read for us. 

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RedRanger
On ‎3‎/‎31‎/‎2019 at 8:54 PM, Headshot said:

Just out of curiosity, is your money yours and not ours? I have never had a situation where my wife's money was separate from my money. To me, money, regardless of where it came from, is our money. But then, I was raised to believe that a marriage is a partnership, where both partners contribute their fair share to the family's well being. If both partners are working for money, then the money goes into a common pot and both help around the home. If one partner is working in the home to improve the lives of all family member, then the other partner may be contributing all of the money, but the stay-at-home partner's work is a contribution nonetheless. I guess I am kind of old fashioned that way.

We contribute to her family, but we discuss it first and have an agreement before we contribute anything.

I keep all my money and finance separate from my wife.  I have one joint bank account we set up when she came to the USA and keep a small amount in it and it was basically set up for when we did Adjustment of Status of her Greencard to show.

My wife works from home and I think she sends about $200 home per month, I really don't know or care what she sends home. I gave her the household bills to pay like Water, Cable/Internet, Electrical.  I make the mortgage since house is in my name only.

I don't play the game of what mine is ours or marriage is a partnership, I am Alpha male and run the show, which I consider old fashioned. But I am very fair

 

 

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bigpearl

Great input from all and many valid observations as well as actions. Helped open my eyes a little wider to not only what is expected with the Filipino cultural norms but also how other couples deal with finances and communication. All taken on board, thanks guys.

Cheers, Steve.

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Davaoeno
15 hours ago, RedRanger said:

 

  I make the mortgage since house is in my name only.

 

 

I would be interested in knowing how you set that up because I would like to do that myself. 

I was told that I could only get a mortgage through my wife and then only if the land title was in her name

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