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Baptizing a Drunk

A man was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.  He proceeded to walk into the water and bumped into the preacher.  The preacher turned around and, though almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, asked the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" 

The drunk answered, "Yes, I am."  So the preacher grabbed the drunk and dunked him in the water. Then he pulled him up and asked him, "Brother have you found Jesus?" 

The  drunk replied, "No, I haven't found Jesus."  The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunked him into the water again, for a little longer. Then again, he pulled him out and asked, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answered, "No, I haven't found Jesus."  By this time the preacher was at his wits end so he submerged the drunk once more, and held him down for about 30 seconds until he began kicking his arms and legs, whereupon he pulled him up. The preacher again asked the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wiped his eyes and caught his breath and finally said to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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Beer Troubleshooting Guide

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

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Growing up in Smalltown Canada we all knew the score -  " Jesus Saves- Esposito scores on the rebound !! "

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Jesus saves,

But Moses invests.

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It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then
  approached the conductor.

 "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best   choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"

"In the beginning this was a big problem.  One inmate wanted to call themselves the Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam, but I said it was too long and, anyway, no one was from Siam."

Then, another thought The Pencil Leads was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to.

"Well," the visitor asked, "what name did they finally agree on?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves...

The Moron Tapanapple Choir."


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Mongolian VD

While in China, an American man was very sexually promiscuous and did not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD.  It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  It’s a very rare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?  My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid American doctors, always want to operate.  Make more money that way.  No need to operate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, ‘you no worry!  Wait two weeks.  It fall off by itself.’

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Alfred E. Neuman

Chinese guy went to the eye doctor for check up..

Doc: "You have cataract."

Chinese: "No, I have Rinkin Continental."

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