Miscellaneous Humor

[Headshot 29,412]

Baptizing a Drunk

A man was stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he came upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.  He proceeded to walk into the water and bumped into the preacher.  The preacher turned around and, though almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, asked the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" 

The drunk answered, "Yes, I am."  So the preacher grabbed the drunk and dunked him in the water. Then he pulled him up and asked him, "Brother have you found Jesus?" 

The  drunk replied, "No, I haven't found Jesus."  The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunked him into the water again, for a little longer. Then again, he pulled him out and asked, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answered, "No, I haven't found Jesus."  By this time the preacher was at his wits end so he submerged the drunk once more, and held him down for about 30 seconds until he began kicking his arms and legs, whereupon he pulled him up. The preacher again asked the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”

The drunk wiped his eyes and caught his breath and finally said to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

[Headshot 29,412]

Beer Troubleshooting Guide

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

[Headshot 29,412]

I saw a billboard by the freeway that said,

 

 

 

 

 

Need help? Call Jesus.

 

1-800-005-3787

 

 

 

 

 

Out of curiosity, I called.

 

 

 

A Mexican showed up with some jumper cables and a tow truck.

 

[Davaoeno 38,030]

Growing up in Smalltown Canada we all knew the score -  " Jesus Saves- Esposito scores on the rebound !! "

[Topper 5,188]

Jesus saves,

But Moses invests.

[Headshot 29,412]

Quote

A MAN TOOK HIS WIFE TO LIVESTOCK SHOW AND ONE OF THE FIRST EXHIBITS THEY STOPPED AT WAS THE BREEDING BULLS.

THEY WENT UP TO THE FIRST PEN AND THERE WAS A SIGN ATTACHED THAT SAID, "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR." THE WIFE PLAYFULLY NUDGED HER HUSBAND IN THE RIBS AND SAID, "HE MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR."

THEY WALKED TO THE SECOND PEN WHICH HAD A SIGN ATTACHED THAT SAID, "THIS BULL MATED 120 TIMES LAST YEAR. " THE WIFE GAVE HER HUSBAND A HEALTHY JAB AND SAID, "THAT'S MORE THAN TWICE A WEEK! YOU COULD LEARN A LOT FROM HIM."

THEY WALKED TO THE THIRD PEN AND IT HAD A SIGN ATTACHED THAT SAID, IN CAPITAL LETTERS, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." THE WIFE, SO EXCITED THAT HER ELBOW NEARLY BROKE HER HUSBAND'S RIBS, SAID, "THAT'S ONCE A DAY. YOU COULD REALLY LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS ONE."

THE HUSBAND LOOKED AT HER, AND SAID, "GO OVER AND ASK HIM IF IT WAS WITH THE SAME COW."

NOTE: THE HUSBAND'S CONDITION HAS BEEN UPGRADED FROM CRITICAL TO STABLE AND HE SHOULD EVENTUALLY MAKE A FULL RECOVERY.

 

[Headshot 29,412]

Quote

It was visitor's day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." And singing it beautifully.

Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then   approached the conductor.

 "I am a retired choir director," he said. "This is one of the best   choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor, "what are they called?"

"In the beginning this was a big problem.  One inmate wanted to call themselves the Big Apple with Little Brown Seeds Singing Sons of Siam, but I said it was too long and, anyway, no one was from Siam."

Then, another thought The Pencil Leads was a good name but the others disagreed because they had no one to write to.

"Well," the visitor asked, "what name did they finally agree on?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor. "They all agreed to call themselves...

The Moron Tapanapple Choir."

 

[Headshot 29,412]

[Headshot 29,412]

Mongolian VD

While in China, an American man was very sexually promiscuous and did not use a condom. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you --- you've contracted Mongolian VD.  It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.'

The man looks a little perplexed and says: 'Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.'

The doctor answers: 'I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis.'

The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.'

The doctor replies: 'Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but surgery is your only choice.'

The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.  It’s a very rare disease.'

The guy says to the doctor: 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can we do?  My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!'

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: 'Stupid American doctors, always want to operate.  Make more money that way.  No need to operate!'

'Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.

'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, ‘you no worry!  Wait two weeks.  It fall off by itself.’

[RogerDat 3,480]

[Headshot 29,412]

[Alfred E. Neuman 5,791]

Chinese guy went to the eye doctor for check up..

Doc: "You have cataract."

Chinese: "No, I have Rinkin Continental."

[bounder 1,187]

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked,

"Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...

"I'm okay, I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, 

“Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, “but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, 

"I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away, and after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said,

"I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset, so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of breasts I’ve ever seen. 

"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

[Headshot 29,412]

[RogerDat 3,480]