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Davaoeno

Its best not to mislead people - Canadian beaches are only like that 6 months of the year ! 

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Australian Men are big on "Mateship".    This explains it perfectly! A Testimony to True Mateship A man brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 p.m. after work. His wif

An American was driving through the out back and came across an Aussie shagging a kangaroo, shook his head and kept driving. An hour later he stopped at a pub for a pint and walked in and saw a one le

A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.   The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of

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Salty Dog

Cookie, Chris and Davaoeno were having a bullshit session.

Cookie: “In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn.”

Chris: “In Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift.”

Davaoeno: “That’s nothing, we have women with vaginas this big.” (He then stretched his hands so wide it’d do the biggest fish justice.)

“I can’t believe you mate” Cookie remarked.

“How do you screw them then?” asked Chris.

Davaoeno: “They stretch man, they stretch.”

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cookie47

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". 

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, <br>" We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". 

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"? 

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

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cookie47
1 hour ago, cookie47 said:

a herd of kangaroos

This joke was a copy from the net.

I don't know who wrote it, as a group of Kangaroos is called a "Mob".

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An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Aussie said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, ya'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, are astonished, and asked?, "Two full hours?..... Wow! that's unbelievable. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

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A Brit & an Aussie walk into the men's room and take a piss...

As they finish, the Brit heads for the sink & turns on the water while the Aussie heads for the door.

With a disapproving look, the Brit turns to the Aussie and says: "In England, we wash our hands after using the bathroom."

"No worries, mate;" answers the Aussie, " in Australia we don't piss on our hands."

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A wedding, in Australia. To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a humongous fight and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting "Silence in Court." The courtroom goes silent and DANNY (the best man) stands up and says, "Your honor, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The judge agrees and asks Danny to take the stand. Danny begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in an Austrailian wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says "OK."

"Well", said Danny, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song. All of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The judge responded "God, that must have hurt!"

Danny replied "HURT! He broke three of my damn fingers!"

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Jess Bartone
On 12/2/2018 at 4:02 PM, Ozepete said:

The young nun runs into mother superiors office and exclaims "Mother, help, I've been raped by the gardener, what should I do? 

Mother replies, go to the kitchen dear, cut a lemon in half and suck on it.  "Will that stop me from being pregnant mother?  The young nun asks. 

No, says Mother but it will take that silly grin off your face!

Two nuns walking through a park are unfortunately raped. After straightening themselves up, one of the nuns turns to her sister and asks

"How will we explain to Mother that we were raped twice?"

"What do you mean twice?"

"Well we have to go back this way later".

 

On 8/21/2020 at 3:49 PM, Salty Dog said:

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. 
Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?' 
'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow".' 

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

The tragedy is that Aussies don't drink Fosters.

 

On 11/24/2020 at 10:58 PM, cookie47 said:

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,
"Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". 

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, <br>" We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". 

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"? 

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Later in the day the Texan said "you know, my ranch is so big it takes two days to ride my horse to the front gate to collect the mail."

An old ringer sitting nearby remarked "yeah, I had a horse like that once, I shot 'im".

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Salty Dog

What do you call a guy in Australia with a small penis?

A Canadian tourist...

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Two Kiwis are traveling to Australia.

Before they leave home, one of their dads gives them both a bit of advice: "You watch them Aussie cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask. You haggle."

At the Sydney airport, the Kiwis catch a cab to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty dollars, lads." "Oh no you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen dollars from me," says one of the Kiwis. "And you'll only be getting fifteen from me too," adds the other...

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An Aussie walks into the bar the other night wearing one thong (flip flop).

One patron asks him "What happened mate? Did you lose a thong?" the guy replies, "Nah mate, I found one!".
 

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Salty Dog

You know you're Aussie when...

most of the words you know end in "o" such as arvo, servo, bottlo, supo, garbo.

you know that there is a difference between thongs and underwear.

stubbies are things that can either be worn by blokes or drunk.

a place called "woop woop" is not actually a place but is very far from civilisation.

calling someone "mate" is a completely appropriate term to call anyone in Australia be they male or female.

you answer most questions by saying "no worries" or "no drama".

when you know the national anthem but have no idea what "girt" means.

you know the best place to get a cooked sausage is Bunnings.

you greet people by saying garn.

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