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steveh2112

Thailand ex-expat thinking about Cebu

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steveh2112

Hi all,

I'm a UK and US citizen, have been living full time in Phuket, Thailand for 12 years with my Thai wife. For most of that time I was very happily married, but in the last couple of years I have been working back in the US and UK for about 5-6 months a year and this has caused us to drift apart. Then on my last return to Thailand, my wife really pulled away from me, refusing to even sleep in the same bed as me. Her big complaint about me was I complain too much, especially about money. It's true I am a bit of a complainer but i've given her a $250,000 house, car, bikes, gold, money, and i'm faithful, loving, i think not a bad catch, certainly not compared to most farang husbands I know.

I know my wife is honest and not a gold digger, and i still love her and want to get back, but she seems happy to be alone, or at least with her kids, without me. i'm 58, she's 48.

anyhow, i'm going to try again to get back with her, but if she is not willing to give me a chance, i need a plan B. I really doubt I could meet a better Thai girl than my wife, she's maybe not the most affectionate girls in the world, but either am I, but she is clever and we like mostly the same things. I think i'd have a hard time finding a better fit for me in Thailand, which is where Cebu comes in.

I hate being alone, and really want to find someone to share the rest of my life with. I'm just not into older white women, i'd like to find an asian girl about 10 years younger than me.

I've never been to the Philippines  but I have a good friend who has many times, and has dated a lot of Thai and Filipeno girls. His impression is that Filipeno girls are more caring and a little less gold digging than Thai girls. I'm writing this post to get your honest opinion about Filipeno girls from lifers.

Up until a year ago, I would have bet the farm that I would have spend the rest of my life married to my current wife and living in my house in Phuket. Now everything has changed and I don't want to keep going through this at my age. I'm still healthy and fit, but the clock is ticking and I need to start working on a plan if my plan A isn't working out.

So sorry about the long post but i wanted to give you all a proper background before replying. My initial plan is to spend next winter in Cebu, try online dating and see what transpires. I already signed up for a couple of dating sites and have more interest than i can shake a stick at already so it sounds like finding dates should not be a problem. but finding the one, not sure about that.

One thing i'm thinking is Thai people tend to think of Thailand as the center of the universe and have little or no interest in the outside world. As such, its hard to get much of a real conversation about shared interests going, even through I do speak ok Thai. I've heard that Filipenos are much more aware of the outside world, and perhaps more adventurous and travel and perhaps living abroad..

So please give me your impressions of find love in Cebu.

By the way, how big is the catholic thing when it comes to dating? i'm an atheist and not into pretending i believe in all the spiritual stuff. In Thailand no one seems to care but i wonder if that's an issue in the Philippines?

Thanks Steve

 

 

Edited by steveh2112
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Mr. Mike

Welcome to the forum Steve. I'm sorry to hear about your marriage hitting a rough spot, but you have plenty of good things to say about her...maybe there is still a chance to put it back on track.

Either way, good luck to you, and I'm quite sure there are plenty of members here who can provide the information you request.

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Dafey

Welcome Steve,

Bumps in life happen. Hope it all works out for you one way or another. If you need a plan B the Philippines are an excellant place to start. Just don't wear your heart on your sleeve.

there are a few cultural differences from what you're used to in the Land of Smiles, but they are not hard to understand. And while the English is not "great" here you can always find someone who understands what you'r trying to say so no new language to learn right off!

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davedude

Hey Steve Sawadee Khap man!

I spent several years traveling to Thailand dating two nice ladies (not simultaneously) and enjoyed it immensely but was not as lucky there as you. Communication was the issue that arose in my case. If you can't communicate very well, then misunderstanding will occur. One of the ladies ended up marrying an American and moving to the states, we still speak on occasion. I think I left an impression on her. I will always love Thailand and it's people, can't wait to go back for some holiday.

Casting my net wider I found my current wife in Cebu without much difficulty--a lucky shot---and great communication was the reason. Even so, I spent several years courting her before asking her to marry. I had been thru two failed marriages already and was not going to fail a third time. Those marriages failed because I did not take the time to get to know the ladies well before marriage IMHO.

So I would say if you end up having to look elsewhere, do not be in a rush. Take the time. Don't accept anything less than full satisfaction. There is no reason to. Plenty fish in the sea.

Some Filipinas will be practicing Catholic, as my wife is. No problem for me as I was raised Catholic. Catholicism could have some effect on your search or not. It was not a requirement for me, it just happened.

Communication is easier in the Philippines because of the widespread use of English. Big bonus.

Hope things work out for you as you desire. Best of luck to you.

Dave

Edit to add: My wife is 9 years my junior which is perfect. I'm 60 this year. I was not interested in less junior than that. We have been married for six awesome years now.

 

Edited by davedude
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Cyclone

Some women look for men who are at least a Christian.  You will see many dating ads saying they are looking for a "god fearing man".

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Davaoeno
24 minutes ago, Cyclone said:

Some women look for men who are at least a Christian.  You will see many dating ads saying they are looking for a "god fearing man".

And when I told them that I was not a Christian not a single one of them cared !!  :P     true story !

They include " god fearing man" because they think that that is what they are supposed to look for . 

[  btw non of the dating sites i attended were Christian specific dating sites. Those i would expect to be different . ]

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steveh2112

thanks davedude, you made some great points. its like getting blood from a stone trying to figure out what's in my wife's head. and its not a language issue, her English is close to perfect and my Thai is passable. its that Thai women don't seem to be able to express their feelings, well at least not to me! and whenever i ask her for an opinion on anything, its always 'up to you', which is short hand for, you decide and i'll criticize you later if it doesn't work out.

i'm also with on the 3rd time has to be a charm thing. my first wife was (is) english and i could not wait to get the f out of that marriage. as i said in my OP, i don't want to be a serial marrier so i need to get it right next time, if there is a next time, so good advice to take it slow.

 

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Davaoeno
28 minutes ago, steveh2112 said:

whenever i ask her for an opinion on anything, its always 'up to you',

I see you married my wife's sister ! :P

Of course she doesn't always say '  its up to you "  -   sometimes she says ' you decide! "

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lamoe
1 hour ago, Davaoeno said:

And when I told them that I was not a Christian not a single one of them cared !!  :P     true story !

They include " god fearing man" because they think that that is what they are supposed to look for . 

[  btw non of the dating sites i attended were Christian specific dating sites. Those i would expect to be different . ]

When asked, told the truth

"Parents had me baptized - I don't practice"

No problems after that.

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steveh2112

thanks for all the helpful replies guys, on thaivisa i would have had 50 attack posts by now!

going back to davedude's point about the importance of communication, i want to share a little story. i always felt that my wife was also my best friend, but after my last return from UK  she barely said a word to me. this happened because she came to the UK with me but she was totally miserable there while i was working, and she was needed at home to take care of our airbnb customers, so i asked her if she wanted to to go home. after a hundred or so 'up to you's, i finally decided and booked her flight home. I though i was being helpful but she sees it as me kicking her out of England.

anyhow, that's not the story i want to tell. so after a few weeks of the silent treatment, i had a sit down with her and explained that i miss our old life and want to go back to the way it was before. i said 'you were my best friend and i miss my best friend'. anyhoo, after a couple more weeks with no improvement, we had another talk, and i finally got more than 5 words out of her. she thought i meant 'i only want us to be friends', as in 'not like husband and wife anymore'. now, try as i might to say that's not what i meant, i think that's stuck in her head.

so yes, i think communication is the key really.

 

Edited by steveh2112

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steveh2112

so i just had a long talk with my wife and she made it very clear she doesn't want me back. so i definitely think the Philippines is good place to look for number 3! anyhow, i'm not going to rush into anything, i'm already planning a short trip in June and a longer one in September so i'll see how it goes.

it just worries me a bit starting over from scratch. i (we) have a nice big house in Phuket and i've made a good life there, but i can't get my head around finding another Thai girl and going through this all again.

also, i'm not in a hurry to go back to Thailand, every day it seems more like the government is trying to make it unlivable for farangs. how do you feel about living in PI? is the government actively trying to discourage foreigners like in Thailand?

 

Edited by steveh2112

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Mikala
2 hours ago, steveh2112 said:

it just worries me a bit starting over from scratch. i (we) have a nice big house in Phuket and i've made a good life there, but i can't get my head around finding another Thai girl and going through this all again.

I'd recommend that you do NOT buy anything in the Philippines. Just rent a house or condo or whatever. Don't buy a car here either. If there's an accident, even if the other person is at fault, you're still to blame, since you're a foreigner (Kano). Buying a scooter isn't a bad deal though. Also would recommend against getting married again. Find a girl that will stick with you without marriage.

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Jack Rat
5 minutes ago, Mikala said:

I'd recommend that you do NOT buy anything in the Philippines. Just rent a house or condo or whatever. Don't buy a car here either. If there's an accident, even if the other person is at fault, you're still to blame, since you're a foreigner (Kano). Buying a scooter isn't a bad deal though. Also would recommend against getting married again. Find a girl that will stick with you without marriage.

I agree with 'almost' everything you say Mikala. I had a small accident recently, the other guy was at fault. He was ranting and raving (actually we both were) blaming me until I called him over to my vehicle and showed him my mirror cam which had recorded the incident. I called the police and it was sorted pretty quickly..If you have an accident here and you think you are in the right, hold your ground and don't back off. Even if you think you might be in the wrong don't admit it!! My advice is if you are a foreigner and plan to be driving here, purchase a car cam, it might save you a lot of grief in case of an accident.

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lopburi3

Agree with above and the avoid car if planning to live in city - no need as easy enough to pay a taxi for service when you require.  I have lived in Bangkok this way for the last 23 years - it is a huge advantage not having to find parking space in heavy traffic cities like Bangkok or Cebu City.  What you save in auto/repairs/gas/insurance will easily cover even frequent taxi use and you are putting money directly into the hands of those needing it.  Expect it was different on Phuket but in cities with good taxi service it makes sense to use.   

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