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What Every Woman Should Understand, But Most Don't

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I read these articles several years ago. They rang true to me then, and they ring true to me now. 

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When a Woman Isn’t in the Mood – Part I

Dennis Prager

Given our preoccupation with politics and economics, it is easy to forget that for most of us micro issues still play a greater role in our lives. So here are some thoughts that, as heretical as they might sound, have been found extremely helpful, sometimes even marriage-saving, from listeners to my radio show, which features a “male-female hour” every week.

The subject is one of the most common problems that besets marriages: the wife who is “not in the mood” and the consequently frustrated and hurt husband. There are marriages with the opposite problem — a wife who is frustrated and hurt because her husband is rarely in the mood. But, as important and as destructive as that problem is, it has different causes and different solutions, and is therefore not addressed here. What is addressed is the far more common problem of: “He wants. She doesn't want.”

It is an axiom of contemporary marital life that if a wife is not in the mood, she need not have sex with her husband. Here are some arguments why a woman who loves her husband might want to rethink this axiom.

First, women need to recognize how a man understands a wife's refusal to have sex with him: A husband knows that his wife loves him first and foremost by her willingness to give her body to him. This is rarely the case for women. Few women know their husband loves them because he gives her his body (the idea sounds almost funny). This is, therefore, usually a revelation to a woman. Many women think men's natures are similar to theirs, and this is so different from a woman's nature, that few women know this about men unless told about it.

This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.

When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:

1.   You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.

2.   If this is true, men really are animals.

3.   Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.

4.   You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldn't expect sex when I'm not in the mood.

5.   I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.

Let's deal with each of these responses.

You have to be kidding

The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different — and how seemingly more primitive — men's sexual nature is compared to women's.

Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.

But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage — no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says. (Very few men will confess to the amount of hurt and eventual anger they experience when repeatedly denied sex).

Of course, there are times when a man must simply refrain from initiating sex out of concern for his wife's physical or emotional condition. And then there are men for whom sex rarely has anything to do with making love or whose frequency of demands are excessive. (What “excessive” means ought to be determined by the couple before the refusals begin, or continue.) But the fact remains: Your man knows you love him by your willingness to give him your body.

If this is true, men really are animals

Correct. Compared to most women's sexual nature, men's sexual nature is far closer to that of animals. So what? That is the way he is made. Blame God and nature. Telling your husband to control it is a fine idea. But he already does. Every man who is sexually faithful to his wife already engages in daily heroic self-control. He has married knowing he will have to deny his sexual nature's desire for variety for the rest of his life. To ask that he also regularly deny himself sex with the one woman in the world with whom he is permitted sex is asking far too much. Deny him enough times and he may try to fill this need with another woman. If he is too moral to ever do that, he will match your sexual withdrawal with emotional and other forms of withdrawal.

Not my man

Many women will argue, understandably, “My husband knows I love him. He doesn't need me to have sex with him to know that. And this is especially so when I'm too tired or just don't want sex. Anyway, my man only enjoys sex with me when I'm into it, too.”

The importance of mutual kindness to a marriage is impossible to overstate. But while necessary, it is not sufficient. Women can understand this by applying the same rule to men. Most women will readily acknowledge that it is certainly not enough for a man to be kind to her. If it were, women would rarely reject kind men as husband material. But as much as a woman wants a kind man, she wants more than that. If a man is, let us say, lacking in ambition or just doesn't want to work hard, few women will love him no matter how kind he is. In fact, most women would happily give up some kindness for hard work and ambition. A kind man with little ambition is not masculine, therefore not desirable to most women.

Likewise, a kind woman who is not sexual with her husband is not feminine. She is a kind roommate. Furthermore, a woman who denies the man she loves sex is not kind.

You have it backward

Every rational and decent man knows there are times when he should not initiate sex. In a marriage of good communication, a man would either know when those times are or his wife would tell him (and she needs to — women should not expect men to read their minds. He is her man, not her mother.)

But, to repeat the key point, rejection of sex should happen infrequently. And it should almost never be dependent on mood.

I know this and that's why I rarely say no to my husband

This is a wise woman. She knows a sexually fulfilled husband is a happy husband. (At the same time, men need to recognize that complete sexual fulfillment is unattainable in this world.) And because a happy husband loves his wife more, this cycle of love produces a happy home.

Everything written here applies under two conditions:

1.   The woman is married to a good man.

2.   She wants him to be a happy husband.

If either of these conditions is not present, nothing written here matters. But if you are a woman who loves your husband, what is written here can be the most important thing you will read concerning your marriage. Because chances are good the man you love won't tell you.

http://www.dennisprager.com/when-a-woman-isnt-in-the-mood-part-i/

 

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When a Woman Isn’t in the Mood – Part II

In Part I, I made the argument that any woman who is married to a good man and who wants a happy marriage ought to consent to at least some form of sexual relations as much as possible. (Men need to understand that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of every sexual encounter.)

In Part II, I advance the argument that a wife should do so even when she is not in the mood for sexual relations. I am talking about mood, not about times of emotional distress or illness.

Why?

Here are eight reasons for a woman not to allow not being in the mood for sex to determine whether she denies her husband sex.

1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons — female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested — there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex.

2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.

What woman would love a man who was so governed by feelings and moods that he allowed them to determine whether he would do something as important as go to work? Why do we assume that it is terribly irresponsible for a man to refuse to go to work because he is not in the mood, but a woman can — indeed, ought to — refuse sex because she is not in the mood? Why?

This brings us to the next reasons.

3. The baby boom generation elevated feelings to a status higher than codes of behavior. In determining how one ought to act, feelings, not some code higher than one’s feelings, became decisive: “No shoulds, no oughts.” In the case of sex, therefore, the only right time for a wife to have sex with her husband is when she feels like having it. She never “should” have it. But marriage and life are filled with “shoulds.”

4. Thus, in the past generation we have witnessed the demise of the concept of obligation in personal relations. We have been nurtured in a culture of rights, not a culture of obligations. To many women, especially among the best educated, the notion that a woman owes her husband sex seems absurd, if not actually immoral. They have been taught that such a sense of obligation renders her “property.” Of course, the very fact that she can always say “no” — and that this “no” must be honored — renders the “property” argument absurd. A woman is not “property” when she feels she owes her husband conjugal relations. She is simply wise enough to recognize that marriages based on mutual obligations — as opposed to rights alone and certainly as opposed to moods — are likely to be the best marriages.

5. Partially in response to the historical denigration of women’s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings. So, if a husband is in the mood for sex and the wife is not, her feelings are deemed of greater significance — because women’s feelings are of more importance than men’s. One proof is that even if the roles are reversed — she is in the mood for sex and he is not — our sympathies again go to the woman and her feelings.

6. Yet another outgrowth of ’60s thinking is the notion that it is “hypocritical” or wrong in some other way to act contrary to one’s feelings. One should always act, post-’60s theory teaches, consistent with one’s feelings. Therefore, many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their child’s or parent’s or friend’s needs when they are not in the mood to do so. They do what is right in those cases, rather than what their mood dictates. Why not apply this attitude to sex with one’s husband? Given how important it is to most husbands, isn’t the payoff — a happier, more communicative, and loving husband and a happier home — worth it?

7. Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it. Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is “dehumanizing” and “mechanical.” Now, ideally, every time a husband and wife have sex, they would equally desire it and equally enjoy it. But, given the different sexual natures of men and women, this cannot always be the case. If it is romance a woman seeks — and she has every reason to seek it — it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety.

8. In the rest of life, not just in marital sex, it is almost always a poor idea to allow feelings or mood to determine one’s behavior. Far wiser is to use behavior to shape one’s feelings. Act happy no matter what your mood and you will feel happier. Act loving and you will feel more loving. Act religious, no matter how deep your religious doubts, and you will feel more religious. Act generous even if you have a selfish nature, and you will end with a more a generous nature. With regard to virtually anything in life that is good for us, if we wait until we are in the mood to do it, we will wait too long.

The best solution to the problem of a wife not being in the mood is so simple that many women, after thinking about it, react with profound regret that they had not thought of it earlier in their marriage. As one bright and attractive woman in her 50s ruefully said to me, “Had I known this while I was married, he would never have divorced me.”

That solution is for a wife who loves her husband — if she doesn’t love him, mood is not the problem — to be guided by her mind, not her mood, in deciding whether to deny her husband sex.

If her husband is a decent man — if he is not, nothing written here applies — a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.

http://www.dennisprager.com/when-a-woman-isnt-in-the-mood-part-ii/

 

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Alfred E. Neuman

Car does not live on gas alone, it also needs engine oil, steering fluid, coolant, clutch fluid , brake fluid,....

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Soarking

Thank You Dr. Phil 

i guess being my wife is + 7,000 miles away sex isn't an issue.  Plus it's been well over 10 years and 100,000 miles for us.

I always looked at a woman being like a dirt bike.    Work on it for countless hours just to ride it for 10 minutes.

Edited by Soarking
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Paul
3 hours ago, Headshot said:

When a Woman Isn’t in the Mood – Part I

I stopped right there, from reading any more of that article. In ALL my years of visiting or living in the Philippines, I have NEVER found a Filipina who was NOT in the mood. Just doesn't apply to them. If you are ready for sex, they have BEEN ready. 

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lolhahaha

Yeah I'm thinking that more of us men are the ones "not in the mood" than our filipinas especially considering the age difference, haha. Hey, 1-2 times a day is enough, give me some recovery time. Never used viagra but it was obviously designed for the Philippines.

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broden
1 hour ago, Alfred E. Neuman said:

Car does not live on gas alone, it also needs engine oil, steering fluid, coolant, clutch fluid , brake fluid,....

i feel sorry for who ever does your laundry

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Richard K

not an issue in my house....

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Jim_in_Jax
11 hours ago, Paul said:

I stopped right there, from reading any more of that article. In ALL my years of visiting or living in the Philippines, I have NEVER found a Filipina who was NOT in the mood. Just doesn't apply to them. If you are ready for sex, they have BEEN ready. 

Hmm, I must have got the one off out of the bunch.  My wife has always had little interest in sex and dwindled to the point that there hasn't been any of that going on for years now.  It has been so long I'm not even interested in that anymore.  Fantastic woman, takes amazingly good care of me in every other way but none of that going on anymore.

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Headshot
11 hours ago, Paul said:

I stopped right there, from reading any more of that article. In ALL my years of visiting or living in the Philippines, I have NEVER found a Filipina who was NOT in the mood. Just doesn't apply to them. If you are ready for sex, they have BEEN ready. 

Maybe, just maybe, you should actually read a post before you comment on it. The articles are about the different expectations of men and women, not just availability. However, your point is bogus. In the time I have known you, you didn't keep Filipinas long enough to let them get comfortable enough to tell you how they really felt anyway. Also, maybe your "bad boy" aura tells women that to do so would be a mistake with you. Certainly, you aren't under the illusion that all women are in love with your body, are you?

16 minutes ago, Jim_in_Jax said:

Hmm, I must have got the one off out of the bunch.  My wife has always had little interest in sex and dwindled to the point that there hasn't been any of that going on for years now.  It has been so long I'm not even interested in that anymore.  Fantastic woman, takes amazingly good care of me in every other way but none of that going on anymore.

You are NOT alone. Any man who says he has never met a woman who wasn't more interested in having sex than he was has been operating in a very limited sub-set of the female gender ... or else has a very limited need for sex himself. There is an entire spectrum of women out there, and that spectrum exists in Filipinas the same as it does in all other women around the world.

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Paul
1 minute ago, Headshot said:

Maybe, just maybe, you should actually read a post before you comment on it. The articles are about the different expectations of men and women, not just availability. However, your point is bogus. In the time I have known you, you didn't keep Filipinas long enough to let them get comfortable enough to tell you how they really felt anyway. Also, maybe your "bad boy" aura tells women that to do so would be a mistake with you. Certainly, you aren't under the illusion that all women are in love with your body, are you?

Overstepping your fecking bounds here a bit, aren't ya, Pal? You want to jump on that "Evan bus", knock yourself out. I don't give two shits. But, you are now posting shit about my character here. How long I was, or wasn't in any relationship, is none of your, or anyone else's business. You may want to think twice, when posting such shit in the future. 

I was merely stating my personal experience with Filipinas in my life. 

Incidentally, I have been with my current g/f for 4 years. 

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Paul

And, for the record, I didn't realize you were Doctor Feckin' Phil. I will make sure I contact you in the future prior to starting any further relationships, if this one doesn't work out. 

Edited by Paul
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Richard K

 

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Headshot
8 minutes ago, Paul said:

Overstepping your fecking bounds here a bit, aren't ya, Pal? You want to jump on that "Evan bus", knock yourself out. I don't give two shits. But, you are now posting shit about my character here. How long I was, or wasn't in any relationship, is none of your, or anyone else's business. You may want to think twice, when posting such shit in the future. 

I was merely stating my personal experience with Filipinas in my life. 

Incidentally, I have been with my current g/f for 4 years. 

Not everybody in this world is either "for ya' or "agin ya", Paul. On the spectrum between friend and enemy, I am a lot closer to the friend end than I am to the enemy end. However, nothing I said was untrue. You do have a "bad boy" aura, and women understand that. There is nothing necessarily wrong with that. It probably draws the women that you expect.

On the body comment, since my illnesses I have basically the same body type you do. Us "big boys" shouldn't expect every woman to be attracted to us. Luckily, here in the Philippines, there are are some women who are attracted.

You responded without reading the post, a mistake you have called countless others on. To do so was to call "bullshit" on my post without actually having anything to base your opinion on. BTW, I said Filipinas you have had relationships with, not all women. Your present GF is Cambodian, and congratulations on the longevity in your relationship.

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Paul
6 minutes ago, Headshot said:

Not everybody in this world is either "for ya' or "agin ya", Paul. On the spectrum between friend and enemy, I am a lot closer to the friend end than I am to the enemy end. However, nothing I said was untrue. You do have a "bad boy" aura, and women understand that. There is nothing necessarily wrong with that. It probably draws the women that you expect.

On the body comment, since my illnesses I have basically the same body type you do. Us "big boys" shouldn't expect every woman to be attracted to us. Luckily, here in the Philippines, there are are some women who are attracted.

You responded without reading the post, a mistake you have called countless others on. To do so was to call "bullshit" on my post without actually having anything to base your opinion on. BTW, I said Filipinas you have had relationships with, not all women. Your present GF is Cambodian, and congratulations on the longevity in your relationship.

Just keep in mind what I said.

And, I have every right to post my view on a topic. If you don't want apposing views, don't start threads.

Incidentally, I had read your DWL posts. My reply was more in jest, than serious.

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